scripted babblings

这一秒开始相信，幸福就会靠近...

2010-12-06T23:51:00.003+08:00

有时候会想，我的幸福几时才会靠近...
看到朋友们双双对对的... 为他们高兴...
但偶尔也会感到一丝丝的羡慕...
会想，我还要等多久呢？
我的幸福会降临吗...

前几天和朋友闲聊...
她突然问到： "Have I missed the boat?"

有时会觉得如果我不那么执着与我的理想...
不那么stubborn... 也许，就也许吧，我的幸福早就到了...

但我相信我的天父，疼爱我的天父，不会让我的幸福流失的...

p/s: the picture is from this taiwanese artist i stumbled upon when i googled 幸福 for images... this is his blog http://wein0202.blogspot.com/

Proud to be a Singaporean

2009-08-09T23:17:00.002+08:00

In all my 25 years as a Singaporean, I have never felt more for this little island I call home... Maybe it is the spectacular National Day Parade this year... Maybe it is the fact that I know at 8.22pm today, everyone who bothered, said the pledge together as a nation... Or maybe it is the fact that having reached a quarter of a decade old, I am learning to appreciate my home better... There were times when I did feel that we could have done better... However, it is not because of how terrible the governance of this nation is... Far from that... It is how ugly we Singaporeans can become when we are not on this tiny red dot we call home... I've seen my fare share of ugly Singaporean behaviors... Some times, I wished that those people do NOT hold on to the red passport and disgrace the nation... Because, I really want to be proud of my country...

I give thanks for the leadership of this nation... Without Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore wouldn't be where we are today... Of course, there were the other forefathers of this government that fought alongside MM Lee... But no one can deny the fact that MM Lee is the impetus, the catalyst, the force behind it all... Sometimes I shudder at the thought of what would happen to this nation when the generations that grow up forget who and what MM Lee has done and sacrificed for this tiny country...

I thank God, for His sovereignty and grace upon this land... I thank God for the leaders He has placed to govern the nation... I thank God that the government has remained incorruptible and righteous... I thank God that He has seen us through many trials and tribulations and we have indeed SURVIVED... The cabinet of ministers may not believe in the same God as I do, but I just want to thank God for them!

Really appreciated the fantastic NDP2009... Really made me feel super patriotic with the videos of the motivational speeches by our prime ministers during their term... Well done!

seeing things God's way - Kingdom Value

2009-07-26T22:05:00.001+08:00

it is easy or comfortable when changes abound. no one likes the uncertainty changes brings. however, the only constant thing in this world is CHANGE. we can never stop changing. to improve, to grow, we need to change and evolve with time. whatever don't kill us, makes us stronger. and i believe and always maintain the fact that i know that our God, the almighty, the omnipotent, all knowing One, will never stretch us beyond what we can take. i always like the analogy that we are like rubber bands, we need to be constantly stretched to achieve greater capacity.

the YouthNet is returning back to its roots of being the Youth Ministry. i thank God for this move. in fact, i somehow did wish that this move happened a little earlier. (it might have saved a few broken hearts) but, we must never live in regrets. so let's just look ahead! this returning back to the roots, the fundamentals of what the YouthNet had always set out to do is shaking the whole network up. and some might be uncomfortable with it. yet, i am thankful for this shaking and stirring. it really helps check our hearts!

looking at the way things are right now. i did question my relevance in all of this. i mean, i have the passion for the next generation. but the immediate next generation might not be the group that i can outreach to effectively. when i was listening to SP today during the meeting, the question of me being effective in the areas where i have been placed in came in. if you ask me if i have the passion for the next generation, i can safely say that i have a heart for them. but if you ask me if i can effectively consolidate them, i am not sure. when we were in the comfortable place where nothing was going to change, i could play the supporting role of helping the rest build their cells first. however, now as the question is posed. how effective am i as a youth ministry worker. i had my doubts. somehow, communicating with the teens poses a problem to me. and i guess because of that, i had been comfortable just helping maintain the administrative part of the platform i'm in. so when the stirring and shaking came, i did question how relevant am i to the youth work today.

i don't want to scramble to look for a platform to serve the youths just so that i can stay in the comfort of YouthNet. neither do i want to miss God's hand and move on too fast. i want to do what God wants me to do.

i am thankful for the way the YouthNet has brought up the next generation. i look around and am glad that the leaders i know have never once spared me from the discipline i needed. i am thankful that because they love, i have built a strong foundation in my walk with the Lord. i want to see the same thing inculcated in me to be nurtured in the next generation. so that when they grow up, they will be godly men and women.

i believe God is testing everyone of our hearts right now. i want to see longevity within the ministry i serve in, though there is never permanence, i believe that the Lord wants to use us to touch the lives of the youths we come into contact with. we serve, because the Lord called us and availed us to serve. when He moves the people out, it is not because of our incompetence, but simply because the season is up. and maybe my season with the youths is up. but i believe that the Lord has been preparing me for the next season of my life - the children. God hasn't developed my skill set in handling and managing children on a daily basis for nothing. i may grumble and moan about how difficult my students are, yet with the changes coming in place, i am beginning to see things with a different perspective. God is remolding me to become a new pot. a vessel He can use to impact the lives of the next, next generation. and with the new service, more volunteers are needed for barnabas club. not really sure if that's where God is calling me to be now. but will continue to pray about it. "Lord, here i am. Use me."

the challenges are laid out. can we see things God's way? can we be found good stewards of God who understands the importance of Kingdom Value.

accountability

2009-07-19T18:44:00.001+08:00

really thank God for the people He has placed in my life... especially my leaders... recent events has made me even more thankful and grateful for their presence in my life...

thank God that He has placed them over me not to lord over me, but to guide me and keep me accountable for my words and actions...

some people don't see the importance of having leaders to keep us accountable... however, i beg to differ... having someone to account to reflects a lot on our character... if one is willing to account to someone in authority for his/her life, it shows that this person is not just a responsible person, but a humble one at that too... someone filled with pride would not like to account his/her life to someone else... accountability is part and parcel of life...

in our workplace, we account to our bosses... they are the ones who review us and keep us in check with out KPIs... even if we are our own boss, we are accountable to our clients... the things we promise to deliver, it is our responsibility to deliver them...

in school, we account to our teachers... they teach and guide us in our path to knowledge... they may not be the best teachers, but i believe that they do have our interest in their hearts... they do desire to see us graduate well and do well in life...

at home, we account to our parents/spouse/children... growing up, we live under our parents' roof... they protect and guide our ignorant steps... their ways may not necessarily be the best, but they have the best interests for us... we account to them as to when we will be back home, if we'd be home for dinner, who we're with... just to show them that we are growing up to be responsible people... when one is married, he/she is accountable to their spouse... need i say anymore on this point? you choose to be united as one and so to move as one, you ought to know what the other party is thinking right? otherwise, how can it be considered a marriage? and when you have children, you are accountable to them to just as we as children are accountable to our parents... we need to provide a sense of stability and security for our children so that they can grow up to learn to trust and be responsible young people too...

i hope that i am definitely found to be someone who has learnt to be accountable to God through the people He has placed in my life...

Thank God for my leaders and bosses!

the wellspring of life

2009-02-19T00:17:00.003+08:00

psalm 4:23

above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (niv)

keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. (msg)

guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (nlt)

these words are so true. after all these years in my walk as a christian, i thank God that He has helped me preserve the thing that is most important - my heart. there are times when i've strayed away from the flock. when my walk with God was just simply down in the dark alleys of life. but each time, God brought me back through His grace and mercy.

no one promised a life that is a bed of roses after i accepted Christ. i knew from the onset that this journey that i had embarked on was a treacherous one. for mr. t.e.o. (the evil one) would try all ways to prevent me from walking the path of light. there were a couple of times when mr. t.e.o. would succeed in dragging me down to the muds. however, i thank God that my leaders have taught me well and led me well. so much so that each time i committed a transgression. i know that i can come clean to my leaders to find myself back in the community of God's people. no doubt, i may not be restore to my former glory immediately. i still have to face the consequences of sin. but each time that i strayed (thank God that it was only a few). but each time that i have been disobedient. i know that when i repent at the foot of the cross, there is forgiveness and restoration to be found. however, to prevent myself from falling into that same pit all over again. i need to do as the proverb says. above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

just as pastor said the other day in his sermon. the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. until our lives is touched, our lives would not change. i was reminded of my journey thus far. and i rejoice at the fact that by God's grace, i am able to still be found in the house of the Lord, with His people, with a tender sincere heart. for a broken spirit and a contrite heart, He will not despise.

recent events have made me thank God even more for the fact that i am still found standing in the spiritual community that i've started out with nearly 7 years ago. i thank God that through the past transgressions during my walk with God. He has found my heart to be teachable and humble. i thank God that He still want to work on this heart of mine. thank God that through the journeys, my heart had not hardened towards His teachings. and i thank God that He has never given up on me, even when I gave up on myself back then. i thank God for placing patient and loving leaders around me to see me through the painful but necessary "open" heart surgeries. thank God that never once did my leaders and cell sisters pass their judgement and condemned me. thank God that my leaders in their wisdom and obedience to His word guided me back. thank God that my leaders dealt with each issue instilling and reinforcing the fear of the Lord and the love for His children.

looking back on the past years, i saw many windows of opportunity for me to leave this community. in retrospect, i thank God that He has never let me go. for most part it was simply my own humanly foolishness and spiritual blindness then. i thank God that though there were times when i felt that God has forsaken me, never once did He leave me. i am really thankful that i am still here and serving.

within the last 6 months, the Lord has sifted through this lot of seeds. some of my cell sisters left the fold, as consequences of the sins committed and their own choice. it saddens my heart to see my friends whom i had grown up with leave. yet i knew that if they do not learn from this lessons, their hearts would harden even more than it already has. and like the little yeast that can cause the whole dough to rise, so can the little rebellion cause the rest of us to stumble and fall. that kind of consequence, causing others to sin too, would be more than what anyone could bear. and i thank God that in His sovereign plans, there were the ones who were left behind, the ones who soldier on shoulder to shoulder for the glory of God.

to say that throughout the sieving and weeding out, to see my friends and best friend be cut off, didn't hurt would be a lie. to say that it did not affect my walk would be untrue. i loved these friends of mine. and i still do. i want the best for them. i love my friends, but that doesn't mean that i would condone the act of sin. i love the sinner, not the sin. and when discipline is dealt and the person still doesn't take heed and harden their heart even more. there is the need to cut of the person off from the community in hope that the person's soul would be saved.

like what was shared during sermon on sunday. no one wants to sin against the Lord. but once we've fallen once and are not repentant and do not flee from the temptations. then we will begin to develop a hardened heart. repeat the process over and over again and the heart will be calloused and it will be even harder. yet, when we humble ourselves and resolute to not sin again, with a pure and sincere heart, we prevent ourselves from the possibility of repeating the same sin.

thank God for my sisters who remain faithful and strong. thank God that at the end of the day, the earth may shake under us, the winds may rattle us, but we can be found with a teachable and tender heart. i thank God for each of you remaining. may we press on together. to receive the final prize - the crown of life. =D

i pray that my friends who left the community find reconciliation with our Father in heaven. i pray that God in His sovereign and wise ways, guide these lost sheep back to His fold. i pray Lord that these friends of mine will once again allow their hearts to be tender and soft towards You and come back to be at Your feet Lord Jesus.

i believe that the Lord will see the condition of our hearts and take action as necessary. and when God gives us a new heart, we need to guard the new heart as proverbs 4:22 says. above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

longing for rain...

2009-02-15T15:58:00.002+08:00

can't stand the weather of late... why is it so damn hot? argh... i think i just burnt myself from just simply walking from the bus stop home... gosh! wish it would just rain... longing for the rain to bring down the rising temperature...

-heart of worship-

2009-02-09T00:02:00.002+08:00

When Pastor spoke about work being a worship, I tried to make sure that whatever I do at work will be pleasing to His sight. I just want to worship God. And what joy it is to go to work, even on days when I dread a little to go to work. Making work worship unto God, certainly makes it easier to get through the workload and circumstances. That was a few sermons ago.

But Pastor's words about worship resonated even longer after service today. His words made me remember reading in the book the worshipping artist where the author, Rory Noland, "encourage every member to become a personal worshiper." And He asked "can you imagine a church comprised largely of people who worshiped privately during the week and then came together on Sunday to worship?" He said that "their hearts would be so primed for worship, it wouldn't matter [what genre of music played]" When I first read those words, I told myself I needed to become a private worshipper. Not just because I am serving in the celebration ministry. But because it basically delights God. =D God takes delight when His children worship Him. And the more I worship privately, the easier it is to just enter into worshipping God anywhere, anytime. Because the heart is primed for worship.

The parable of the talents always reminded me to put my talents to good use. God gifted me with artistic talents. I sing, play, act and dance for God. I remember when I first entered FCBC, I saw the youth congregation dancing for God. It was then that I thought to myself, I think I have been brought to the right church. After nearly 7 years, I am still here. And am even serving God through my dance in the celebration ministry. Thank God for His grace and mercy, that I am able to worship Him in such a wonderful place, with the freedom to dance to Him.

I am free to worship God. I can worship God. I want to worship God. It does me good to worship the Lord.

I used to worship God together with the congregation. Now I get to serve the Lord through leading others to worship God through the dance ministry. I will never forget the first time I served on platform. The first Sunday of September 2008. Basking in the delight of the Lord is something that does wonders for the spirit man. It is just not the same worshipping God as a member of the congregation, and as a worship leader. Have you ever felt God smiling at you as you worship Him? I have. And it is such a wonderful experience. I was never really able to describe how it felt. But today what Pastor said about wearing the crown of glory. It is just what that experience was. It was as if God just placed the crown of glory on me. It was not because of the fantastic steps of the choreography to the songs that I remembered. But it was simply because I was worshipping the Lord with my all. Literally. I was exhausted after that. But the experience that first time was electrifying, it took my breath away. The next time I dance before the congregation and for the Lord is the last Sunday of February 2009. This time not for the youth service (cause we've combined right) but for Chinese service. God certainly has a great sense of humour, and He is definitely stretching me. Cause my chinese is not the best. Haha... No matter what, it is still a delight that God takes delight in me worshipping Him.

So what is the heart of worship? Well, I believe that it is simply a sincere heart that wants to delight God. Worship is not so that we feel good, but it is that God takes delight and is enthroned.

So my dear sisters, let's worship the Lord freely, with abandonment and let the delight of God fall upon us. =D

the curious case of benjamin burton [spoiler alert]

2009-02-08T01:23:00.003+08:00

the show set me thinking... do i want to age gracefully or would i want to regress into infancy?

i thank God i can age gracefully...

it is really sad being benjamin burton... to have to be in such unusual circumstances... rejected at birth... adopted into love... grew up in a retirement home... fell in love only to not be able to grow old with her... grew younger each day... had dementia as a child-man... died an infant in the arms of his beloved...

what would i do if i were to be born under such unusual circumstances... i might not have the capacity to accept the situation and probably would have led an unexciting life in depression and rejection... some how this movie taught me to appreciate the beauty of aging gracefully... to embrace our lives to the fullest... only then will we live with no regrets...

so what would you choose if given a choice of growing older aging or be given the elixir of youth?

finally done...

2009-01-26T12:35:00.003+08:00

haha... this is a late post... but i finally did get my room in order last night... it is clean and neat... and i did NOT get a big box and dump everything in it... which is good... haha... it still looks a little clutter around certain corners... but... it is simply because i do have quite a bit of things... haha... my favourite spot in my room now? the photo wall... it was inspired by a friend when she redid her room a couple of years back... haha...

Eve of Chinese New Year...

2009-01-25T15:33:00.004+08:00

Just got back from lunch after church service... And the expected happened... I knew I couldn't finish spring cleaning my room in time... Sigh... Am now contemplating throwing everything into a big box and chuck it away for the Chinese New Year... But then again... I will end up having to clear it out the next time I spring clean again... Cos it will just be rotting in that corner of my room that I chuck it in... Sigh... 3 more hours... Hopefully I can really clear the mess... Haha...

God bless me with speed and efficiency... Slow down the time so I can cover more ground... Haha... =D

On another note... I've not seen most of my room this neat and tidy for a while already... Heehee... Check back again in 3 hours...

Spring cleaning continues...

2009-01-19T23:12:00.002+08:00

Am regretting a little that I started spring cleaning my room so late... Because I have been rather busy with work, chingay and dance lately... Sigh... Just managed to clear out some more of the clutter that I have accumulated... Another big trash bag of rubbish cleared and a box full of magazines and paper... Am exhausted from the whole evening of clearing up... But I must plough on, if not this CNY I need not invite friends over...

Seriously, I am amazed by how much junk I have accumulated over the year... Why O Why did I not throw anything out??? Sigh... I have letters, cards and notes that were dated as far back as 1997... 12 years of "karang guni-ing" has resulted in almost unclearable clutter... I think if I were to do a fire safety test for my room, I would probably have gotten a HAZARDOUS... Haha...

Well, most of the things that can go are going out into the junkyard... I am determined to clear everything by tomorrow, 20 Jan... So that I have the chance to clear out my ever expanding wardrobe... That itself is another challenge... I tend not to throw any article of clothing away... Cos I always feel that I can make use of it as a costume in future... (I have some article of clothing that REALLY do belong only on a theatre set...) Hmm... Clearing of my wardrobe would probably take up another long afternoon... Hopefully I will be able to clear it by 22 Jan... Then and only then can I change my bed sheets and put back my area rug...

This has taught me one valuable lesson... Clean out regularly, be willing to throw things out... I should never never only do throw things out once every 12 years... Hmm... Maybe, just maybe I am too sentimental???

Oh ya... Note to self... Change my light bulbs... Somehow all the bulbs in my room, except for my table lamp, has "died" on me... Currently living in darkness... Haha... Living in denial... No light, can't see the mess...

spring cleaning...

2009-01-13T23:21:00.003+08:00

i had been really REALLY messy the whole half of late last year... am spring cleaning my room now and oh my gosh!!!! my clutter is woah~ sigh... i haven't realised that the living condition of my room is well... SIGH~! i really have no idea where and what to begin with... so since there are things that i use on regular basis and things that i love... i decided that there is where i shall start... i started packing my heels... that goodness i am no imelda marcos... i only have about 15 pairs of heels... so happily i was packing that area, rearranging that area... only to open up some shoe box that reminded me of my stolen pair of green adidas with pink satin lace... =( well... may the person wearing what used to be my shoe have a happy life... really...

i went on to pack my accessories... as i packed, i realised that i those mooncake boxes that i kept came in really handy... haha... my mum bought those mini snowskin mooncakes for the last mid-autumn festival... so the box had a tray for those mooncakes and now that the mooncakes are gone, i am using it to house my necklaces and bracelets... it pays to horde stuff sometimes... heehee... but just as i was satisfied with the new usage of the boxes i horded since mid-autumn... i come to realise that my owl pendant and a gold ring from my childhood is MISSING!!!!! my heart sank... really sad... gosh! i really hope and pray that it would reappear in some messy part of my room, or in some compartment of my bags... argh~!

talking about bags... i placed them in my cupboard and now i realised that there are mildew! i don't live by the sea, my room is not next to the bathroom... so why oh why is there mildew! gosh! anyone can help me with this problem??? cos i haven't gotten to my clothes, but i have a gut feeling that the clothes that i hardly touch is in danger of it... argh... better check the web for mildew fighting remedy... before i start clearing that area... and better find bag bags to keep my bags in...

after teaching today, i bought a deskCLEAR from popular (it was cheaper than the past years... used to cost 20+, now about 15...) deciding that it would help declutter the clutter from my desk... and indeed it is doing just that... i suggest that anyone who needs to compartmentalise paper, documents and whatever that is taking up space on your desk... get it... i find it quite useful with the detachable folders... the best part if i need space on the wall, i just need to gather it closed... it's colour coded, detachable, clears the desk... just exactly what is needed on my table... so glad i bought it today... haha...

i dare not show the world my messy living conditions... as i realised that i've used a lot of "realise"... how unaware i was of my surroundings! oh my oh my...

2009 new year resolution...

after packing my room... keep it that way!
gotta stop hoarding!!! i think i just can't bear to not recycle stuff... going green is one thing, living in mess is another i guess... haha...
keep organised with the deskCLEAR thingy i bought for my papers and stuff...
oh ya... keep my blog updated... at least try to haha...

guess i will only upload photos of the spring cleaned room of mine after it has been fully and totally spring cleaned... heehee... next step, don't lose anything in the midst of cleaning up... mental note to self... MUST NOT accidently throw away important stuff!

warrior chick...

2008-12-19T01:08:00.003+08:00

that's what i wanna be... a warrior... not just a mere soldier in the army of God... but a warrior... one who knows her place and her role... one who drinks water alert and aware of the surroundings... one who will not accept defeat... who would pick herself up when things crumble down... one who knows that in all circumstances, good or bad, GOD IS IN CONTROL... i wanna be that kinda woman... a princess... haha... a warrior princess... even named myself dancewarrior for the chingay forum... i will dance... i will sing... i will praise Him... even when i don't think i can garner the strength... in my weakness, He is strong... =D

setting criteria...

2008-10-27T17:26:00.002+08:00

last night at leaders' retreat, some of us stayed up till 3.30 a.m. chit-chatting about the criteria we would like God to have placed in the One... ha ha... like what Von said... Godly guys who can spur us on in our walks with God (and vice-versa) is sorta liken a pre-requisite already... so what are my deal-breakers then? not long ago I just listed the three... but I guess with certain real-life examples shared before us last night and today, I needed to review those 3 and maybe add 2 more... ha ha...

well... simply put...

Accepts me for who I am and not change me to what he wants me to be... but of course if there are terrible character traits in me that needs to be change I'll change...
Understand my passion for the Arts... (Appreciate the Arts even better!)
Loves children... (I didn't think of it as a criteria before, cause I would assume Godly men would love children right? but I think I'd better list it down...)
I am comfortable around him... Must be able to CONNECT...
Superficial aspect... but nonetheless quite essential... Must be taller than me! (I like to wear heels... Though lately I haven't been wearing them much... But I don't wanna look "bigger" than the guy I am going out with...)

I used to have 42 criteria... but as we grow older, and as we mature, we go beyond most of the superficial aspects... Elle was saying the connect part very important... No connection then bye-bye already... Which I agreed, thus the revision... But I guess the connection part, I have to at least know the person for a while to fully understand if it is simply different frequency... Or was the person reserved and takes a while to warm up...

Nonetheless, I am definitely waiting for God's best... =D in the meantime... I have to try to be God's best for him too... and not settle for second best...

sets me thinking...

2008-10-24T20:46:00.001+08:00

went to a school to teach recently, the first class i taught was rather enthusiastic... they were a joy to teach... we had fun and the students learnt well... the second class that i taught sets me thinking... how can youths give up on themselves at such a tender age! what has life served them to cause them to abandon themselves and have them put up such a resistant wall? never in my 2 years plus of teaching have i encountered such a class... from the moment i entered, to the moment i left, the students were indifferent and disruptive... they seem to have been served the worst dose of life... i myself have gone through shit and stuff, but i had never given up hope... what is wrong with the current generation of youths? i had been a youth worker since i myself was in my late teens... never ever had i encountered such youths... or should i say, never had i encountered a whole class of youths who have given up on themselves... i was shocked... it made me question if i was incompetent... thank God that i had a very understanding boss... he reassured me that i wasn't the problem... 1 out of 10 class that responded this way just says that i am doing alright... but still... i can't help but think... what is wrong with the current generation? suicidal tendency has risen amongst the teens of today... there are more "emo" cases around... body mutilation is occurring more amongst the youths of today... have we regressed as a society? everything else seems to have been progressing... is it the influences of the media that has caused such regression? i wonder...

sick...

2008-10-21T01:02:00.000+08:00

think i've overexerted myself and now i'm sick...

had the usual dance practice on thursday...

then on friday had chingay dance audition...

on saturday played wii till my arms ache...

sunday got caught in the rain and then accompanied the younger ones to audition for chingay & led warm ups for the whole group...

monday i still went for hip-hop class...

now i am sick... argh!

still have to teach class tomorrow!

commitment phobics?

2008-10-18T12:34:00.000+08:00

Are modern day women commitment phobics? I am a modern day woman. I am committed to the causes I believe in. I go to church every Sunday. I commit myself to things I enjoy. Some times I think I am over committing myself into things. I don't think I am a commitment phobic.

But the irony of things is that my job title states "freelancer" - I commit to things that require short-term commitments. And I am rather good at that. I guess that might just label me as a commitment phobic. As I have not committed myself into a full-time desk-bounding job. I do not really commit long-term I guess. But seriously, I am committed to being a freelance theatre practitioner. I am committed to the arts, to the students I teach. Can that label me a commitment phobic?

I do like to believe that I have been rather committed to God, what some people might call the intangible. I am committed in my walk with God, although there are highs and lows. I mean after all, I have been a Christian since I was 13. I've was baptised when I was 19. I've been in the church I am in since 2002. I have been rather stedfast to this relationship I have with God.

I guess in a sense I would be label a "commitment phobic" because it would have seem that I have never been in a relationship. (Let's not talk about those silly things in secondary school...) I am talking about the kind of relationship where marriage is probably what both are working towards. It might not be the end goal for both in that relationship, but it is something both are working towards. That's the kind of relationship I am talking about. I want that. I want to commit to someone for better for worst, till death do us part. But sometimes I do wonder... Am I afraid to commit???

I do yearn to be love and to love. I do yearn to have some one to walk the rest of my life with, to cherish and to hold. But I just can't seem to overcome my personal barrier. I do fear. I do not fear so much of the commitment. But I fear the what ifs.... What if things don't work out? We won't be friends anymore. What if this... What if that... These are the questions I keep asking myself. I guess it is just the comfort zone that I am in. I simply don't want to lose the friendship. I guess this simply stem from the fact that I can be a control freak at times. And this "what if" is simply too out of my control and I am unable to throw caution in the wind.

Sometimes I wonder. If I had simply gone with the flow and not pay so much attention to the what ifs in life. Would my life be any more different? (I guess not.)

Am I a commitment phobic? Erm, I don't know.

Do I fear the unknown? Yes I do, but who doesn't.

I want to embrace the unknown. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I am someone who embraces life and I want to embrace every aspect of my life. I am willing to commit. As long as God is in the picture. I don't want to be sucked into this commercial and oversold kind of love. I am an idealist. I want the kind of love God has planned.

So am I still a commitment phobic? Not as much as some others I guess.

courtship 101...

2008-10-06T13:52:00.000+08:00

yesterday at cell, those of us who attended the courtship seminar summarised the sessions for the benefit of those who were unable to make it... at this point of time, i don't think any of the singles among us would be starting to go into courtship within the immediate... haha... (laugh at myself)

well... like i've learnt from the lesson... we need to establish capacity for casual friendships... so i have tasked myself to be the casual friends making ambassador... i shall encourage casual dinners after service with guys whom we can all make casual friends with... NO STRINGS ATTACHED... =D i'd like to get married someday... so if i don't start making MORE casual friends... i think... very hard la... haha... since i wanna get married... i shall initiate the casual outings... not just to benefit myself... but EVERYONE! (sounds like a good plan to me) haha...

i went to dig out the old post... the one with the 42 criteria... and was laughing at my own silliness... haha... now i know why Mel asked us to keep it to 3 deal breakers... haha... as for me... now... the One... just have to be..

a Godly passionate man who can spur me to love God even more...
a person who will accept me for who i am, but still challenge me to change for the better...
someone who can make me laugh and feel comfortable to be around...

no longer asking for the 42 criteria guy (that was so unrealistic)... haha... just the guy God has planned for me... =)

so i didn't major wrongly... haha...

2008-10-06T13:29:00.002+08:00

You Scored as Visual&PerformingArts

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in the Visual or Performing Arts (e.g., Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music Theory, Painting, Photography, Theatre).

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests.

Visual&PerformingArts

81%

English/Journalism/Comm

81%

Education/Counseling

75%

HR/BusinessManagement

69%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

69%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

69%

Religion/Theology

63%

Psychology/Sociology

56%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

44%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

38%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

38%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

19%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

Mathematics/Statistics

got back my mac!!!!

2008-09-24T16:23:00.000+08:00

for a while... i had been mac-less (if there is such a term)... my iBook which has been faithfully working well "died"... and i thought i had lost it for good... in my panic i sent it to "apple hospital" which "warded" it for a couple of days... i received a phone call from the repair people to tell me that there is NOTHING wrong with my iBook... it is working normally... and they were wondering why i sent it in for diagnosis... well... i ain't complaining that it is working NORMALLY now... since it is back with me... all i can say is that my God is a wonderful Father who knows exactly what i need... i believe He was the one who "revived" the laptop even before the technicians laid hands on it... nonetheless, kudos to the mac people... they did a wonderful job... the lady at the apple care centre was so patient... the guys who did the checks were great... making sure that the laptop doesn't conk out again... i am just G-L-A-D!!!

test... test... samsung NV24HD camera...

2008-09-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

I was asked to test out the NV24HD Samsung camera... Been playing with it for a few days already... One thing that irritated me initially, was the fact that there were so many buttons on the side of the HUGE LCD screen but NO instructions or guiding words next to them! So when I first got the camera, I was really confused as to how to operate the camera... I don't normally read the instruction manual you see... So actually it's sorta my fault that I got irritated... *grin*

Well... I am actually quite gadget savvy... Normally, I would just dive straight into trying to figure out the gadgets on my own... That's how I figured out all the gadgets I have from my iBook to my Omnia... so I figured that I need not bother about the manual... I did not succumb to reading the manual, as after the initial confusion for the first 3 minutes, I sorta got it figured out... It's pretty easy to use actually... *grin*

I love the fact that in manual mode, this camera works almost like a DSLR camera! (for those who don't understand techie terms... DSLR = digital single lens reflex...) You know those big bulky cameras... I love working with DSLR cameras, as they allow me to take really fantastic pictures... So the fact that a slim sleek lightweight camera like the NV24HD can do similar stuff was a WOW factor...

So far, I have been playing with the classic mode... which took the photos in black and white... I like those kind of photos when I am trying to be "artistic" haha... But the photo quality is quite good... Words are just words... Look at the photos and judge for yourselves...

this was taken while i waited for my students to come for class...

this was taken when i was travelling to dance lesson... the car was moving... but the photo turned out rather well...

another photo taken on the journey to dance class... (i was bored!)

this image is rather grainy cause I zoomed in all the way into the 10.2 megapixels... then took the photo when the car was moving rather fast... i think i set the ISO too low also... that's why it turned out like this...

So much for now... Gonna try the camera out tomorrow... SATURDAY! Yeah!

I'm back blogging for now...

2008-05-07T01:48:00.002+08:00

I know I know... My blogs are few and far...
But seriously... Where would I find time to blog when I am this busy... Haha...
Anyways... Thought I shared some photographs that I took as I admire God's wonderful creation... The sky!

A Psalm a Day...

2008-01-10T23:17:00.000+08:00

Have been faithfully doing my daily psalm reading... It is amazing how God's word reiterates itself... I mean, I read my psalm first before going to the little devotional booklet that Pastor Debra prepared for us... Without fail for the past 10 days, I find that the verse that I highlight in my bible, the verse that speaks to me most, is the verse that Pastor Debra seems to highlight in the booklet... It's like God saying... "Focus on this verse... focus!" Haha... The words have been speaking to me daily and it is amazing... Seriously, starting the day with a verse to meditate upon encourages you throughout the day... Amazing...

Through the past 10 days, the Lord has been rather specific... Although there are times I fail to understand the verses, the majority of the time I have been blessed...
1 Jan we started with Psalm 1 and so aptly is this Psalm written... Verse 2 says But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night... It is as if the Lord is saying, meditate on the verse that I give to you daily and you will find delight... Looking back... In these past 10 days, I have indeed found delight in the word of the Lord...
On the second day of the new year, the Lord reminded me to walk the Sabbath year with this verse... Psalm 2:11 Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling... I think, having been in the ministry for awhile, I have forgotten from time to time to do so... Such a reminder... And the ending of the Psalm is such a promise... Blessed are all who take refuge in him... My 2007, though a year of victories, did not really end without worries... I think as I stepped into 2008, I did bring those baggages to this new year... Was actually feeling overwhelm on that day by the situations around me... But God reminded me that I will be blessed when I take refuge in him...
As the days went by, the Lord reminded me of the things He had promised... When reading Psalm 3:3-4 I was reminded that God will protect me, and return to me what I had lost, that He WILL answer my cries... Those words reassured me that my prayers have not gone unheard by the Lord... Psalm 4:3 reiterated the words on 3 Jan... Psalm 5:12 promised me that He will surround me with His favour... I believe when I have God's favour, I will also find favour with the men and women of peace on earth... Psalm 6:9 reminded me again that He accepts my prayers and He hears... I guess, up till the week's end, I was still wondering if God has heard my prayers and cries... Psalm 7:17 reminded me to give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances... Even if the circumstances are not in my favour... Psalm 8:4 reminded me that I am a Friend of God and He is thinking of me... =) I know that the Lord will not forsake me because of what is said in Psalm 9:10... Although the Psalm today did not have a specific verse that jumped out at me, I focused on the last 2 verses... Psalm 10:17-18... I guess, I need to meditate on the verses that tells me that the Lord hears my cries because I tend to forget... After 10 days of meditating and reminders that He hears me, I cannot say that I haven't been told... Haha...

Also at Leaders' Meeting last night, Pastor Julie's words really spoke to my heart... In this year of Sabbath, I need to take time to remember... I need to remember God's faithfulness... I need to remember that all of have is God's... I need to remember to give God the glory... I had forgotten at times to credit God... I had forgotten at times that what I have is God's... But those things that I had forgotten are history... God has given me a clean slate every morning and all I have to do daily is to remember... =)
The second point was to hear and obey... As much as I have been reminded that God hears my cries, I also need to hear God... If I do not hear God, no matter how much He hears me, nothing can or will be done... In 2007, I confess that I have not been fully obedient to the Lord... I know that partial obedience is sin, because it is not obedience, it is disobedience... I had not shown God I love Him... But this year, I will make an effort to love... I will make an effort to be obedient to His voice...
Pastor Julie also mentioned that the third thing is to Fear the Lord... For the fear of God is the path of intimacy... To fear God is to see the demands of God and obey them... I had fear the demands more than God and fled from it too many a times... This year, I want to make good my promises to God and face up to those demands... I know that I might fail, but I also know that as long as I put my heart to it... I can do it... =)

At the end of the day, it is not how much that I have done or not done that the Lord loves me... But because I am who I am that He loves me... Because He loves me despite all my flaws, I will work towards pleasing Him through obedience... =)

Thanks a million...

2007-12-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

Christmas is a time I am grateful for many things... It is because of Christmas, that I am alive and well... It is because of the birth of Christ (not Santa Claus) that I am assured of eternity... It is usually around this time that I reflect and look at all the things that the Lord has blessed me with throughout the year... I am so grateful of the life I have today... I am thankful for the wonderful friends that I have, both the old chummies and the new bonds made... I am thankful for the family I have, my biological family (though we don't see eye to eye on things, we still work things out eventually) and my spiritual family (sisters who see me through my low and high points in life)... I just want to thank all of you, especially God, for seeing my through one of the most trying year I've been in... But thanks be to God that I know by 2359hrs on 31Dec2007 I will have had seen many victories in my life... And I am able to enter 2008 knowing full well that God has gone before me... Thanks for a wonderful 2007...

Inspired & Motivated...

2007-11-13T01:38:00.001+08:00

A few weeks back Melissa showed us this video about this guy called Nick Vujicic...
He is a man born without limbs... This is another video I found on the web about him...

Often we grumble about our lives... Why is it not going the way I want it... Why is life so unfair... But until we look around and take a rain check... We often miss the blessings we have already received...

Nick is an inspiration... Looking at him, I am ashamed of the times when I have been disgruntled with my life... When I questioned God with "What is the meaning of this?" "Why me?" "Why this?" There were moments in my life when I almost gave up... Almost told God, "God I don't want this life, I don't want my life with You... It's too tough..." Thank God He never ever let me throw in the towel... My God knows me too well, He knows how much I can or cannot take... And He knows too well... He is simply breaking me down so that I can do even greater things, bear heavier blows... So that I can become stronger, become more reliant on Him and Him alone... Nick's life is the epitome of all our struggles... Looking at him, I find no reason why I cannot bear my own stretch tests... God knows how much we can be stretch, how much we can be broken... Only when we are broken, will we truly understand the magnitude of His grace... Psalm 51:17 says - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (NIV)

Senior Pastor Khong's message on Sunday also reminded me of the need to just simply trust that God is in control... S.P. so aptly puts it "life is not just tough, it is also confusing..." Admittedly, life is tough and there are many many times when I have been confused... Job hunting the past few months haven't been easy on me... Many times I thought "This seems like what God wants me to do..." only to have the door closed on me with no apparent reason... Each time, I just pick up from my disappointment and just move on... Some takes a longer time to recover from, others are easily let go... But each time it is because, I know my God has a higher calling for me... For He has promised in Jeremiah 29:11 - ...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

After months of unsuccessful job hunting, I gave up... I committed myself to God and asked Him to light my path... Melissa, my spiritual mother, has been with me each step of the way... And I thank God for her... The G12's prayers brought God's peace into my heart, as well as the God of Peace into my plans... I know that my God has far higher plans for me... (Though frankly speaking, there are times when I doubted...)

I believe that each time, God just simply closed the door because it is not where He wants me to be, although I want it quite a bit... With each interview, the Lord restored my confidence... He showed me that the problem doesn't lie with me, and He rebuilt me... Every interview my potential employers seemed impressed with what I could bring to the job... Each interview, I left the place confident... However, due to the fact that I don't want to compromise my service to the Lord because of my job, I have always asked God to show me the right job... There was this one interview that I really want to ace... It was this interview with the National Arts Council... However, at bacteria attack landed me in hospital with severe food poisoning that resulted in me having to be warded for observation overnight... So I was unable to make the interview... Taking a step back and looking at it now, I am beginning to see why my life took such a course... All theses simply steered me into the direction of going into my family business...

Some people have comment that I am fortunate to have a family business to go into... I can't deny that I am blessed to not have to worry about not having a job at any given time... Should I fail in my job search, I always have a job waiting for me back "home"... However, I had my fears... My family have been in this line for as long as I can remember... (which means it has been at least 20 years...) We started off small, expanded and then failed due to bad investments... That resulted in my dad becoming a bankrupt... They picked themselves up and restarted the business... A few turns later we were running a cafeteria and subsequently closed that to open a restaurant... Then SARS striked and business slumped... And they had to rebuild everything up all over again... Now that they have managed to rebuild everything up, they want to expand... I fear that history would repeat itself... That was why I wanted to take things into my own hands without asking God what He wanted to do with my life... I wanted to find a stable job, just in case things crumble at the home front again... My lack of faith resulted in my overworked parents warring with each other again... Thus, I have decided that my dreams and ideals can be put on hold... I need to unite my family so that the business won't go bust again... They have built a good name for themselves over the years, tending that one stall... Now that they have three, the stress is tripled, thus they are starting to fight again... One thing I know though... Going into the family doesn't mean that my parents won't quarrel with each other... In fact, I believe there will be more disagreement with everyone in the picture... But I know that wherever I go, the blessing will follow... And I know that I am blessed, because I am His beloved... Since the God of Peace is with me, He will bring about peace in the household... But I need to obey His voice and do His biding...

I am going to sit my parents down and speak to them tomorrow... May the Lord grant me wisdom, discernment and favour... May He go before me... For unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labour in vain... I trust that my Lord will go before me... This is the year of victory, and I believe that I will end the year strong...

in need of wisdom...

2007-11-08T05:52:00.000+08:00

after sunday's sermon, i've done some thinking... indeed a single locust is easily crush, but an army of locusts is a plague... pastor talked about unity and teamwork in the family (biological & spiritual)... and i guess, the only obedient thing for me to do now is to go into the family business... help out my parents, who've slogged much of their lives for my brothers and i... it's not just a duty to help out in the business, it's an act of obedience...

i thank God for the counsel that He has provided in this decision... some that i've spoken with regarding this decision supports my choice of obedience... there are others who are asking me to think twice... weighing my options, i guess the former group provides sound counsel... (also because i know the people in the former group longer and trust them better...)

weighing out the pros and cons, i think i see more pros than cons... i know that i would be a blessing to wherever i choose to go and work at... so seriously speaking, why not bring these blessings to the people i love and care for the most... (selfish, but true...) besides, after the couple of job interviews i've went for, none has brought about news of employment... and since i have a perpetual position opened for me, why am i forgoing it... how silly and blinded can i be?

besides, this might be the turning point for my family's salvation... and also a place where i can definitely have a say and an influence over the decision making... i would also enjoy flexibility in my schedule... it would just solve a whole lot of problems...

for now, i shall sit on it for a little while longer... will make my decision soon... may the Lord's wisdom and guidance be upon me...

(-_-'|)

2007-11-05T22:13:00.001+08:00

was reading a friend's blog and saw the amount of stress he has placed on himself that resulted in the decision he had made... it made me ponder for a second... it took courage to take a step back and re-think your life choices at any point of our lives... i am finding myself at this juncture of my life too... taking a step back and re-looking at how i want to live my life...

the arts is suppose to be fun... it is suppose to be something i love... but at this point of time, i wonder, if there is a place for me in the arts scene in singapore.... i am not doing anything in relation to it... and it is making me feel as if i am wasting the time and effort my mentors had placed on me through the years... i am not getting casted, i am not getting paid... i need to feed myself and maintain a healthy bank account... but, right now, right here, i am unemployed... i would love to find some work related to the arts industry in singapore, but i can't seem to find any... so i am turning to another industry where i know i will excel in... public relations/ events management... will have to wait and see how the job seeking goes...

the good thing though is, during this break... i am finding rest and spending time with some old friends of mine... it's been a good break... a much needed rest... am just wishing it would last a little bit longer... but hopefully it will end soon... bank balance is beginning to look a little anorexic... well, guess that has got to do with my rather bulimic spending lately... haha... it'll come back... it will... it will...

this is good...

2007-10-31T01:07:00.000+08:00

dale, janice & i met up for dinner...
had dinner at Pho24, which served rather nice pho...
then we headed to 2am... this few months old dessert bar at holland v...
the desserts are scrumptious... i like...

nice chocolate tart. bittersweet molten chocolate. tart sorbet. delightful.

unique cheesecake. great mix of textures.

soft and creamy. just right.

down with food poisoning...

2007-10-27T22:48:00.000+08:00

my food poisoning was so bad... i had to be hospitalised!
because of that, i missed an interview with the national arts council... really wanted to work at the council... sigh... pray hard that they'll give me a second chance, cause i really didn't expect it to happen this way...
was warded overnight for observation, so my G12 sisters came to visit... nuanyi even brought a mixed bowl from the florist i was helping out at while she was ill...
well... it's my 1st time being hospitalised... sort of enjoyed it in a perverse kind of way... haha...
i was bored so i took some photos...
this is the first time i was placed on a drip... and due to the fact that the first doctor though i ought to be discharged earlier that day before the senior doctor decided that i ought to be placed under observation, this was the second plug that they did on my other hand... apparently my blood vessels are so thin, the doctors needed to find the smaller plug to fit me... (if only my body was small size too... sigh)
this is the mixed bowl nuanyi brought from flower matters... and the daisy at the base is from gwen...
decided to give gwen's daisy it's own shot...

Rough terrain ahead...

2007-09-14T02:38:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been tough... Really need time off to just think things a little... It hadn't been easy handling my own expectations and reality... Coming out from an interview with verbal agreements that I would start work on a project basis, while on probation... Only to receive an email the next day to be notified that I hadn't been offered the position... Its tough... The 24 hours after receiving the news were the hardest I think... Every time I got asked about it, when I think about it, I wouldn't be able to control my emotions and just breakdown... I didn't want to get out of the house, I just watched comedies and sleep...
Being forced out of the house on Wed to teach did me good though... Having shut myself out for one day, crying and dealing with my emotions... It diverted my thoughts away from the things that had caused me to be upset... Bought a pint of Hagen-Daz Melon ice-cream from the mart and ate 3 scoops of it... Finished the rest of the pint the next day... Guess comfort food does comfort me quite ok... Hmm... I'm feeling much better now... At least I'm not crying over the thoughts now.... But didn't join Val to lead cell cause I wasn't feeling up to it still... I still need the time-off to sort out my thoughts and feelings...
Got a call from Dale today... Needed to talk about FAW... What he told me shocked me quite a bit... Didn't realise things wasn't going very well during the past few months... Guess they all thought I was too busy to bother... But am disappointed at how somethings were handled... I still can't believe that that person did all that... It could have just ruined everything that everyone else was trying so much to rebuild... I know that they all thought that I was busy and didn't want to disturb me too much... However, the audacity of this person to not even inform me about the meetings is a little upsetting... I am after all still the secretary of FAW... Have been and would still be if not for this person... I'm sorry Martin for having been so busy, but how could it be that the person we've tasked with covering my duties have put you in such a position and yet you didn't call me for help? You silly boy... But I guess whatever that has been done is done and we can't reverse time to rectify it... We've all gotta learn from our mistakes and move on...
With my life, I've decided to move on... If this organisation doesn't require my services, I just have to move on and know that I'm just not suited for that position... God has better plans for me and His ways are definitely higher than my own... I just have to be patient and see where the Lord leads... When He closes one door, there's always another door to be open... Or at least He'll leave the windows open... I'm sure as confused and lost as I have been feeling the past few days, I will be able to find my way soon... His promise to me is that when I call to [Him], [He] will answer [me] and tell [me] great and unsearchable things [I] do not know... Jeremiah 33:3... My God will never lead me to a dead end... He will make a way, when there seems to be no way...

taken that step...

2007-08-10T12:09:00.000+08:00

just sent in my resume to ms thio... it's a step i am taking to abide in His voice... haha...

have been working as a temp at HQ for 2 days now... it's been a breeze for me as it has just been simple administrative tasks... should i however turn full time, my portfolio would be one that takes care of the primary programme and either become webmaster or officers' development...

pray with me... do wish to work there if it is God's will... =)

at a crossroad...

2007-08-08T00:44:00.000+08:00

have been pondering this issue for a while already...
although i was suppose to have had turn full time with this particular company, let's just term it X, i have not... which has placed me in a dilemma of whether to stay on with them or move on...
moving on is definitely an option... yet, there seems to be unfinished business and lots of loose ends to tie up on my side at X... i was suppose to compile this list of schools and its contacts... which i have yet to do... i should just settle it la... then, i have to complete teaching at a school till sept for 2 mornings... i don't really wanna move on, but i guess i have to at the end of the day... i mean, i was taken out of a project and not given any more tasks or projects... resulting in just one source of income that won't come in till october or november... will i can always look to that as savings... but, i am now surviving on what 2 other companies owe me about a total of $600 plus... plus my monthly tuition fee of about $200 plus... it is miserly... and my family's financial situation ain't helping... need to help my parents pay off stuff... i am not sure what to do... i was given an email addy with that company and the bosses said they were printing name cards for me... then after one rather bad project that i handled, which was not exactly my fault, i was practically yanked out of most projects at hand... somehow, i have a feeling that it is not coincidences... i have this strange feeling that it is simply the Lord telling me that He has better plans for me...
was down at GBHQ earlier today... was simply there to drop off some forms and collect some stuff... ended up talking about me working there either on a part-time basis or a full-time basis depending on my schedule... i am not sure if this is where the Lord is leading me... but while reading the 40-day fast devotions, the word spoke to me about the atmosphere... though it was speaking about the atmosphere in the church... i felt that the Lord was telling me that He wants me to have a new atmosphere at work... i have been under too much negative influences... i need to be refreshed and be found in a positive and godly atmosphere before my spirit man dies off... after all, our marketplace is our church and we are called to be marketplace ministers... yet, should i take up a position at HQ (where everyone is already a believer) i am not really sure where i become the marketplace minister... hmm... something to pray about... but apart from the word that spoke to me about a move... there are also other factors edging me on...

financial situation at home needs me to have a stable income...
they are looking for people to fill up places and i am qualified for it...
Christian working environment, would help me become more disciplined in my daily personal devotion time with God...
won't interfere with my serving at 46th...
i already know the programme, just need to revamp it a little...

however, there are also concerns...

might have events that would clash with certain church wide events
it's definitely a pay cut from what i earn as a freelancer...

the pros seem to outweigh the cons... hmm... well... still have to pray over this situation... need direction as to where to go... well... if this is what the Lord has planned for me... He will open the doors... and i will be offer the job at 2.2-2.4k before cpf... it might seem like a big request... but ultimately, i know the Lord won't shortchange me... He will provide for me definitely... i just have to trust and obey... =)

an eventful saturday...

2007-08-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

helped Angie with the leadership conference today... was suppose to teach at the workshop and then I could leave... didn't really intend to stay for the whole conference actually as I had intended to meet Val to finish up the 100k in town... however, when I messaged her in the morning to call me when she was done with Jap class, she replied with "I'm gg back home after japanese, my hermit crab came out of e shelll.." with that, i decided to stay on at the conference...

during my workshop while the girls were discussing their mini presentation, I filled in my 100k log book... then 1 of them came to me and said that she was asked the day before but didn't have time to do it... so I looked at her and said, "I can bless you if you want to. Fill this out and I will pray for you." with that I blessed this little girl... She has a cute name, Zena... prayed for her during lunch...

as I chatted with 1 of the post-sec girls who came back to help out, I took the opportunity to ask her if she wanted to be blessed and be part of the 100k too... her name also happened to be Angeline... prayed for her too... with that, I begin to see why I was staying on at the conference... there are girls here who needs to be blessed too!

I think that is what divine intervention is... I had my plans to go and bless total strangers along Orchard Road... but God had plans for me to bless His daughters at the conference...

after lunch the girls when to do drills... as usual I was handling the team-building games... delegated it to the girls and the post-sec girls helped to oversee them... while the girls were setting up, I went about my own thing... walking around, doing basically nothing... haha... as I was walking around, I realised that 1 of the girls was hyperventilating... went over to help her and I asked 1 of the girls who was just standing around to go get a bag for her to breath into... Angie and Mun Lun (not really sure of his name) came over to help with the situation too... looking back at the incident, it was simply God putting me at the right place at the right time... if not, the poor girl would probably still be hyperventilating without any of the officers noticing... we managed to help her recover and kept her from fainting, she went back to normal and we made her rest in the auditorium away from the grueling heat... thank God it wasn't my first time handling a hyperventilation case... my brother hyperventilate a few years back before and I managed to help him with help from some friends back then...

my first heart attack moment came as the drills were about to end, Angie realised that her next speaker hasn't arrive yet... she looked at me and asked me to "entertain" the girls until she arrive... as I racked my brains for ideas, I remembered my favourite song "God's family, God's children"... thank God Clare was making up her leadership conference so I had her to help me demonstrate the actions to the song... then, 3 girls identified themselves to be from 2nd Coy (Xueling's girls) and so I was blessed with 3 other helpers to demonstrate the actions... so with that, I kept the girls busy for a good half an hour... it seems that the girls adore that song... maybe it is because it is a cute action song that made them move around a lot... haha...

second heart attack moment was when Angie looked at me and said... "it would be nice to have a worship session before the pastor speaks tonight..." with that, I simply looked at her and said... "I can lead worship, but I would need a guitarist..." 2 girls came to aid me... so with almost no practice, I lead worship that evening... Began the session with God's family, God's children, followed by Heaven on the inside of me and I love You Jesus, deep down in my heart... Thank God the girls sorta already know the actions to all 3 songs... but I still had to teach them the actions to Heaven on the inside of me, so that we all had a unified action... went into the slower songs... New Every Morning and Sing Your Love... Thank God I took the songsheet from Val the night before at cell... I guess, it had been a long time since I last led worship to a congregation above 5... it was yet another humbling experience, yet when I saw the girls worshiping, I knew that the Lord was pleased... =) it was also a reminder for me to actually go learn the guitar properly and not half-heartedly... haha... after all the sessions have ended and I dismissed the girls, some girls came up to me to ask me for the powerpoint slides of the worship session... I was pleasantly surprised... it was as if God was telling me He loved the worship and He wants more of it with a different group singing to Him...

after pastor finished his word, I was to help with the feedback forms and dismissal... as the girls filled out the forms, I announced the winners and losers of the team-building games... the losers came down to do their forfeit... initially it was the girls who were supposed to do their forfeit... but Mun Lun came and said that we will do the forfeit with the girls... we were to sing "Therefore be justified"... he is a funny character... came up with the zaniest ideas... didn't believe he was working in GBHQ initially... didn't believe he is of the same age or slightly older than me, he just simply don't act like he is... well, he is one person I will probably see each time I go down to HQ in the future...

for once in all the leadership conferences I have taught, this is one that made me felt like a star... haha... after dismissing the girls to go home, I have girls coming up to me to ask me for my email, my number etc... guess I had impacted them somehow or another during the conference and they want to keep in contact with me... was seeing how the divine intervention has resulted in so many amazing divine moments...

as I gave the post-sec girls a lift to the interchange, I also took the opportunity to bless Ching Yee with the 100k... well... I thought that would be the end of me blessing today... at least I blessed 3 more... then as I was walking back to my car after I walked Ching Yee and Jieying to the train station from the carpark above the interchange, I bump into the 2nd Coy girls and 2 54th Coy girls... took the opportunity to ask if they wanted to be blessed, the 2nd Coy girls were already blessed and 1 of them attends FCBC too... but I blessed the 2 54th Coy girls, Cheryl and Cherilyn... by another divine intervention, I not began talking to them about the blessing of the 100k, I got them to tell me more about themselves... I ended up driving them home... after talking to them, I felt that there is more I can do for these 2... invited them to join us before service on Sundays if they wanted help in their studies... well, I shall see if they contact me soon... if not I will check in on them on Weds...

although I was 2 short of the 11 I reported, by faith I believe I will complete my 20 by Sunday... =) still... I am thankful for the divine interventions in my life today... because of God's timing and placing, I have had been a blessing and was greatly blessed...

Are you part of the 100k?

ちょうどYvonneをValerie のために。

2007-07-28T00:51:00.000+08:00

はじめまして、レぎなです。づおぞよろしくおねがいします。
ともだちYvonneに日本語をおしえてもらった。
Valerieに日本の検査が明日ある。私は彼女と彼女が検査のために調査するようにあった。
これは日本語でblogging 私を得た。
YvonneをValerie 、私に日本語を教える為にどうもありがとうございます。

Just another insane babbling...

2007-07-21T02:23:00.000+08:00

This is driving me a little insane... Thank God for the work and activities that would take my mind off this issue... I think I have been harping on this issue for far too long... Was talking to Val about it just now... Concluded that the desire for me to settle down is there, but I am denying it's existence by numbing my feeling to it and silencing it with thoughts that it won't happen... Why have chosen to ignore my feelings, my desire? I guess it probably have a lot to do with society's perceptions... I just feel that I am not good enough for the guys around me... I don't know if this is an inferiority complex... But I just think that I am too engross with work to sufficiently pay attention to my potential partner for life... It won't be fair if he is the one constantly giving to me and I am too busy to spend time with him etc... Hmm... My dilemma... On one hand, I desire to have a boyfriend who is a potential husband, date to see if things would work out, get married and have kids eventually... All before I turn 30... On the other hand, I don't think I am able to achieve this desire... Sigh... What to do? What to do?
Apart from the fact that I am focusing on building my career at the moment, I do think I might be ready for a relationship... Being busy with work is simply an excuse to escape from looking at reality... Oh well... I've done pretty well not being in a relationship for so long... A couple of years more might not kill me that badly... Hmm... Allow me to dwell in self pity for a moment... Sigh... Que sara sara, whatever will be will be... The Lord will work His plans...

理想与夢想。。。

2007-07-18T22:56:00.000+08:00

最近老是觉得被爱和恋爱离自己很远。
在我忙于工作时，我似乎忽略了一些朋友，和他们接触的时间渐渐的减少了许多。
我想我很有可能是个工作狂吧。一投入与工作时，可以把一切都忘掉专注于工作，一直到完成了才会去理会一切。或许我太task了吧，不懂得怎么balance人与事吧。
我的老板成说过我是属于那种先把事业基处打好了才会去谈恋爱的一个人。回想起他那一番话，或许说的也有他的道理。
我想我那一个想在三十岁前结婚生子的欲望泡汤了。事业刚刚才起步，都还没有稳定。我觉得这一刻的我是一个不懂得付出的自私鬼，不值得爱。很多人都说，爱情来时是无法抵挡的。我想我的理想与梦想终久存在于理想于梦想，处于不可能在进期间发生的一件事。說到來，我想我只能听天由命，该来的终就戏来的。问题只是迟早而一。

Transitions..

2007-07-17T02:12:00.000+08:00

Am going through one of the major transition in life I guess... I sorta went full time at this particular drama company, Les Thespians Drama, towards the end of June... Prior to that, I was made project co-ordinator for a couple of projects... Some how, as I continue my work in this particular company, I feel satisfied... Maybe it is because of the fact that my bosses are nice people who see the potential in me and not what I have achieved... They both have a generous spirit, giving beyond themselves... Though working for them maybe stressful at times, it is because I want to give over and above my 100% as my bosses have put in that amount of effort first... Unlike with some of the other companies I've worked with, this is one company who values their employees and seek to help them improve, and the bosses work damn hard...

Another reason could be that I work well with my one and only other full time colleague, this American Chinese Indian called Michael... (We sorta started being full-time in the company together) Though the company is not new, the concept of having full-timers besides the bosses is... It is rather amazing how well we work together... The two of us work hard together for the better of the company because we really see the sacrifices made by our bosses... Anyway, a more amazing thing is how well I click with his girlfriend Cheryl... Cheryl and I can go on forever... Haha...

Many projects are coming up and it simply spells B-U-S-Y for me... The mammoth task that I am in the process of is the cleaning up of the office-store... The place is cluttered... (Sorta like the condition my room is perpetually in...) So before Mike and I can begin using the office proper, we need to get the clutter out of the room... Thus, we have been clearing and cleaning the seemingly impossible... Because of my administrative skills, I am tasked with inventory... Haha... An even more impossible task... Haha...

Apart from the mammoth task of cleaning up the office space, I am given a few other projects to take care of... A few of which has just concluded, but the paperwork is just beginning... Also am going into school to teach and facilitate on behalf of the company...

I am busy, but at least every day is a new challenge... I enjoy the challenges my job brings... It tires me out, but I am simply relishing the moments of accomplishments... There are many plans my boss have for Michael and I, by the looks of it, we are going to be super busy in the following months... I just can't wait for the challenges that will arise and overcoming it will be sweet success...

Guess the bottomline is that some transitions are essential and in this case definitely worth it...

愛

2007-06-27T00:54:00.000+08:00

讀了大頭芬的世界，有一段文字讓我差一點掉淚。

“愛一個人不一定要擁有﹐但擁有一個人就一定要好好去愛他。你的肩上有蜻蜓嗎﹖”

有時候，我們會 take for granted 周圍的人。我們會 neglect 他們，沒有好好的珍惜他們。但是，一但他們從身邊離去時，才後悔沒好好的去愛他。我不只是在說 bgr，而是每一段 relationship ﹣ 朋友之間的友益、男女之間的戀情、家人之間的關心。。。

因為有愛，所以是他的朋友或親人。因為愛一個人，所以要那個人好好的活下去。因為愛一個人，所以要他開心。愛。對麼些人來說，是一個長挂在嘴邊的字。對另些人來說，是一個很難說出口的字。每個人表達愛的方法都不同。有些人，莫莫地愛。有些人，豪放地愛。個有千秋。

我。。。不是很懂得愛。

我想，我是那种不常表達愛的人吧。對一些人而言，在他們眼里，我會是個對愛滿豪勱的一個人。但我不覺得我是。我不懂得愛，也不敢常式去愛。我怕受傷害，也怕會傷害道別人。我覺得我已經 take for granted 我周圍的人。

我還有資各去愛与被愛嗎？有嗎？

很冒頓，但我覺得有時候我做到了“愛一個人不一定要擁有﹐但擁有一個人就一定要好好去愛他。”我想我是一個看到他人開心，我就開心的一個人。

我的朋友你快樂嗎？

In the midst of packing...

2007-06-21T14:14:00.000+08:00

I'm in the midst of packing my room... Having been saying that forever... But this time I am serious about getting the trash out of my room... Been a karang guni (rags and bones person) for too long... My brothers have been naming my room a dog's kennel... My parents have been nagging me to pack up... This seems to never end... Shall put a stop to it before I get any busier... Made some progress... Love my shelves... Heehee...

A tough call to make...

2007-06-06T13:30:00.000+08:00

Have been rather blessed by this company that I am working for... Because our boss treats everyone like family, the company is very family like... We're there for one another no matter what time of the day... I am grateful for all that my boss and the company is doing for me... The stabillity and trust he has given me... Thank God for this company...

However, as I get into this company, I find myself to be in a rather tight position... It all start with this one project, which due to sheer coincidence or fate, I was not originally casted in but was later on casted into the role... I felt bad initially as the role was originally supposed to be played by a friend of mine, however, because she couldn't make it for the first read and I could I was casted over her... Back then when I was casted, I told my bosses that my schedule is booked for that day, but I could rearrange my schedule if they insisted on using me... After a few phone calls here and there, I confirmed that I could do it... So I was on board for that project... My second with this company (did one with them last July)...

I know I have found favour in my bosses' eyes as they confirmed me for another project that would tour the schools... I think my bosses knew that they could trust me to tasks after observing me work... Thus, after that fateful project last month, I was sorta "promoted" (a term used by my close friend-colleagues in the company) to project co-ordinator... It is a test from my boss to see if I am who he thinks I am... Would I be able to be of help to his company... However, I so totally did not expect that I am the one who tell someone that his/her services would no longer be required by the company for that project...

I am one who value my friends... I did not want to have the friendship ruined... However, due to certain incidents, I was tasked to tell a friend and colleague that the company no longer require the person's services anymore... I had to do it... It took me long and hard to do so... I ponder and ponder incessantly over it... So much so that it was just after 12 noon when I was told that this person has been fired... But I could not bring myself to message the person till about after 8 in the night... I had to do it because it is my job to do so... Yet, I knew that it would bring that person certain pain...

For a moment, I had to be completely professional and detached from that friendship and lay that person off... It was one of the most horrible moment of my life.... Yet, if I did not do as I was tasked, my own head was on the chopping block... Having been entrusted with the many projects by my bosses, I had to do what I deemed right at that point of time... Put aside all personal feelings and focus on the task, yet be tactful all at the same time...

Our friendship is probably now rather ruined... However, if the person is unable to be professional about the situation, there is nothing much I can do... I just have to be professional when it comes to work... I need to draw my lines clear... I have financial needs, which I cannot ignore...

2007-05-11T01:32:00.000+08:00

Been a lot busier of late... With rehearsals for 2 shows and tuition, as my student is having her mid-year, I haven't found time to breath or even write an entry... Am really sleepy now... But still waiting for my hair to dry before hitting the pillows... Really need to find the time to pack my room... It's in a limbo now... Neither packed nor super messy... Am in the midst of redoing my room, after 5 years... I think I am liken the windows in the sense... Cos it's been five years and now they have Vista... Was watching the mac adds and it really tickled me... Haha... http://www.apple.com/getamac/ it is really smart how Mac spoofed the arrival of Vista... Hmm... Naughty but really clever... Kudos to the people at apple... Love my apple... =)

Would love to blog more... But I guess, would blog more after the conference with Jackie Pullinger at Ministry with the Poor... Hope to catch the heart of God more and receive her anointing of compassion... Can't wait... =)

New phone...

2007-05-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

I finally changed my phone...
It's this sleek Samsung SGH-D900 a.k.a. Ultra 12.9...
Love my 3.0 megapixel camera in my phone...
And to begin my blogging with photos taken with this lovely phone...
I took some photos of the cakes served at this fast food cafe and their double chocolate frappe...
Hmm... I simply am falling in love with my new phone...

The only good cake serve I think... Opera...
(Ok la... Not as bad as the rest... In fact it is quite good...)

The so-so oreo cheesecake...
(Er... No comments la... Still prefer the oreo cheesecake at Starbucks...)

The not very nice cheesecake...
(A little too soft... Prefer the cheesecake at Coffee Bean...)

The double chocolate frappe...
(I still prefer the drinks at Grapevine...)

2007-05-06T03:23:00.000+08:00

喜欢一个人有时是幸福的，但有时是痛苦的。
被爱是幸福的还是痛苦的呢？我觉得被爱是否幸福因个人而定。
如过爱你的人你也喜欢，那么被爱是幸福的。如过爱你的人你一点好感也没有的话，那么被爱将会是痛苦的。
时间地利人合能撮合一对情侣，或者把一段美丽的友谊给摧毁了。

life is good...

2007-05-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

haven't been so happily busy le... for a while, i had been busy but unhappy... but now, i am happily busy... it has been awhile since i have acting jobs, so being engaged for 2 shows (1 private dinner show & 1 school tour) is a refreshing change from the mundane teaching of drama... i have longed to return to stage and this is definitely a good change of momentum... will enjoy it while it lasts...
i am exhausted from the mind grueling rehearsals, but i am happy... haven't been this engaged in the mind already... haven't been thinking as an actor for far too long... am a little rusty... but am glad it is all coming back to me now... i still have it in me to survive challenging rehearsals... still have it in me to memorise my lines... i am feeling alive in the aspect of work... had been rather "dead"... i am glad! =)

a random quiz i did... something to do with the key to my heart...

2007-05-02T01:03:00.001+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

p.s. i miss you...

2007-05-01T16:47:00.000+08:00

this is too all my friends out there whom i haven't met up with since forever...

dear friend,
i miss you. we've moved on with our lives and now our paths don't seem to cross anymore. i am sorry for having taken you for granted, for even being angry with you at times, but i am glad we always work things out... eventually... =)
thank you for being my friend. i thank God for you who have crossed my path. you were special to me at then, and you are still special to me now. it's just that our schedules clash so much that we hardly ever just hang out anymore. besides, we are at such different phases of our lives that it might even seem a little weird to go back to days of yore.
i do wonder how you are doing now. questions like: are you happy now? are you contented with your life? are you exhausted? do you have someone special in your life now? etc...
when we were younger, we shared your joys and tears. now that time has flown by us, things just ain't the same anymore. i do not wish that time would stand still, neither do i wish that we could return to those times in our lives... but i do sincerely wish you well my friends. i would like to continue to share my life with you, i would like to know how you are now... i hope that you are doing well...
no one knows who we will meet tomorrow, no one knows if we would ever meet up again... but i know my God is watching over each of us... and i know that i will meet you once again in heaven (as long as you believe in Him)... =) until then... auf wiedersehen
with love,
regina

旅程

2007-05-01T08:28:00.001+08:00

每個人的生命就如一段旅程。從起點到終點，這段旅程由自己定。
在這個旅程中，誰會上車誰會下車都是一個迷。我們不能掌控誰在生命的那一個站上下車。
到了該下車的時候，就不得不下車，要不然就會過站、錯過機會。
生命中的人与事也一樣，從生命裡的起點開始，進出的人也不少。
有些人會陪你一段很長的路，有些可能在下一站就下車了。
下車的人我們也許再也不會在見面了，也許下一站又會再度相遇。
人生的旅程就是那麼奇妙，很多事都不在我們的控制范圍內。
這段旅程有時是孤獨的，有時是熱鬧的。有時你會想靜靜一個人走這一段路，而有時會想要人陪，不想單獨走下去。
生命就是如此，勇敢的走下去吧！
不要太在意明天的路會是怎樣的，努力的把今天過得最充實，把握和週圍的人所相處的每一分每一秒，不要讓自己有後悔的機會。

claims of His promises!

2007-04-30T00:19:00.000+08:00

these are the things that i am believing for in my child like faith... though the items requested not very child-like... heehee...

financial providence...
1. more job offers, a permanent job with a theatre company would be good, a stable income... (life as an actor is unpredictable)
2. a new phone with camera and video functions... (my current phone is dying)
3. financial freedom for my family...

spiritual providence...
4. deeper relationship with the Lord... (go deep)
5. salvation of my family... (look far)
6. improved relationship with my spiritual daughters, both already here and still wandering... (ask big)
7. find my 12... (ask big)

physical/ health providence...
8. a healthier slimmer body... (not asking too much right? afterall i do have a gym membership...)
9. freedom of diseases for my family... (no longer to be binded by the spirit of depression...)

emotional providence...
10. better emotional quotient... able to be more sensitive to the people around me...
11. fruit of the spirit reflected in my life through the way i handle my emotions... (actually linked to spiritual providence la...)
12. when the Lord knows I am ready, He will provide the One... in the meantime, help me be patient and not lose hope...

i shall not ask for too much yet... will continue to think and add to the list... but i believe that these things will be added unto me... for the Lord is Jehovah Jireh... my provider!

such a mess...

2007-04-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

okie... i have got a few shows lined up, which means i am rather employed right now...

however, because of some misunderstanding that is linked to my current state of employment right now, i think one of my friend/colleague is rather upset with me and the whole situation...

well you see... initially, they had wanted her to play the role i am playing now... but after the first read, i was selected instead... i didn't even know i was selected until the second read, so therein lies the problem... a big miscommunication i think... i thought that she would be there for the second read, i mean after all, they did say it was a second audition and they were auditioning for ah kong too... i didn't realise that this friend of mine won't be there until that morning, when i checked my email and realised that she had been left out of the mailer and later the confirmation that she hadn't been informed when i picked our friend up for the rehearsal that morning... later on, after the rehearsal, our bosses were talking about another play that i am involved in... then came the second shocker for the day... they were going to drop her out of this play too, because her "schedule" clashed... i am not even sure if our bosses informed her of this change of events...
we all have our pride, and to be dropped from two shows just because the bosses assumed that you are not flexible in your schedule isn't fair... if i were in her shoes, i would definitely be jumping up and down in anger too... but i guess, i won't allow it affect me too much after all la... cos i mean, this is how this industry work... sometimes, you get many jobs, sometimes, you don't... we just need to learn to take things in its stride... to let go ba...

i would gladly swop places with her... however, i am not the boss and i don't have the last say... we are all waged actors... we don't really call the shots... until the day we do... we just have to be resigned to the fact that some days are better than others... we simply just have to let go and look forward to the next job available... such is life... you win some, you lose some...

i am simply thankful to God, that He has blessed me with these opportunities after a whole year...

life ain't fair... but God is good...

好久不見，我終於有話要說了。

2007-04-28T11:59:00.000+08:00

有一段時期沒blog了，有一點不知到要寫什麼。
這一段時期很多事發生，有點太忙了，因此就少blog了些。
其時也好樣沒什麼好blog的，來來去去也就是那麼些事吧。

有時想想，把我的人生故事寫成一遍遍的文張，會有人要看嗎？
我的生活裡雖然有不少有趣的生活小品，但我不覺得有什麼只得一提的，有時還覺的有點乏味。
不過，讓我感恩的事件真的不少。而這些令我感嗯的事，我覺得我因該把它給blog下來。
從農利新年到見在，神的恩慈讓我從心低的感恩。

thank God for bringing me out of this vicious cycle...

2007-03-16T02:42:00.000+08:00

Thank God for helping me see beyond this situation... Haha... what a relieve...

I have been holding on to this crush for nearly three years now I think... Aiya... Does it even matter now? Reflecting upon it though, I think I have been holding on to this crush for sooooooo long is simply because he has been the one constant guy friend in my life... I mean, of all the guys I have been hanging out with, this person has been a constant la... When people ask me what I see in him, I often have no answer... I guess this is what it means by "love is blind" or rather I feel, "infatuation is blind"... apart from the fact that this person is really mild mannered, there doesn't seem to be much qualities about him... Not that I am finding fault with him now that I have come to realise my infatuation... But I guess I was simply too blinded in the past to even notice his flaws... I thank God that I have been set free from this emotional entanglement that I have set myself in... I can now look at him and know that I do not like him in any ways what so ever, except on a basic friendship...

I guess, I really have to reassess my view on platonic friendships... I guess, there really can't be good close platonic friendships... The boundaries would be blurred after awhile... At least for my case it would... I am simply a girl who can develop likings for guy friends who become close friends after awhile, as long as they meet certain basic requirements... I would say that now, I am able to see the impending "danger" and distant myself when the friendship begin to become greyed...

I simply am thankful to the Lord that I am able to now know clearly what I want and be focused on it... Thank God that He has delivered me from one of my many weak spots... =)

大掃除... a.k.a. Spring Cleaning...

2007-01-28T02:13:00.000+08:00

finally got down to what i would call spring cleaning la... rearranged the furnitures in my room... tried to declutter the clutter... haha... i doubt i can ever succeed in cleaning my room... i simply don't know where to start!
argh!!!!
well... i am amazed at what God uses to speak to me or teach me...
simply put... the Lord taught me another important lesson through my attempt to spring clean my room today...
decluttering one area doesn't mean that the clutter would go away, sometimes, we've just relocated the clutter....
we need to be a little "hard" hearted to throw out the useless things that is impeding the process...
when the time comes to let it go, just let it go... it's the same with sin and busyness of life...
another lesson learnt... =)
the cleaning is still on-going... think it'll take a few days, though my room is just about 4m by 6m... i should learnt to procrastinate less... heehee...

Amazing how God works!

2007-01-10T00:51:00.000+08:00

Was just wondering how I should face Debbie's & Dhillion's 25 years old brother... And God's word tonight is an answer to my wondering...
The Lord is not pleased to see His children fighting among ourselves... I can see why too! 為何自相殘殺呢？We should not be fighting ourselves but the evil one... Why are we letting the evil one sow seeds of discord within the family and allowing him to win this spiritual battle? It is the evil one's plans to corrupt and perverse the relationships between family... It is his plans to prevent us, Warriors of Light, Children of God, from living a victorious life!
I will NOT allow the evil one to defeat me... Instead, I will defeat the evil one... I will put on the armour of God and be battle ready... I will remain unscath by the accusations... I will react with humility and love... The greatest weapon against accusation is HUMILITY! I don't need to win the argument for that moment, I simply need to win the person over through time....
Whatever the outcome, the Lord is definitely in total control... I simply just have to trust and obey, following the guidance of the Holy Spirit!

Weird Dream...

2007-01-05T05:57:00.000+08:00

Had a really weird dream... Dreamt that I went on a date with a guy from another tribe... Didn't dream much about the date, but dreamt more on what happened after the date... SO WEIRD!
After the date, I had the guy's biological brother, who happens to be in the same church, asking me if I like his brother, whether I have room in my heart for him... When these questions were being asked, the person who came into my head wasn't this particular guy, but someone else... So surreal! I was unable to give the brother an answer and he left... Then came the guy's spiritual brothers... They asked me the same questions and again only one person came into my mind...
What made it weirder was that I saw Melissa asking this guy some questions and she seemed satisfied with his answers... I felt torn between 2 guys in this dream... The guy who kept surfacing in my heart and the guy who I went on the date with... I know in my heart there is only room for one... Before I could make a decision, I woke up... How weird is that!

What made this dream top the weird chart is that I remember where the guy works though I can't remember who he is... He works in TYS, and for some unknown reason, I ended up working full time in church... It's freaky... But I don't think this dream would ever be real... As I have no intention of working in church full time... I am presuming that it is just my over active mind playing out the endless possiblities... Whether it is from God, I don't know, but He will reveal in His time...

2007-01-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

In the year of victory, things can really be unexpected. Have just been confirmed that I am going to be a facilitator at the TRYBE camp at Kranji Sec. At first when I signed up, I thought I would be in tribe A, together with Melissa, Charmaine and Isaac. A call from Jia Huey in the afternoon informed me that I am to be in tribe B. All is well.
Such little unexpected news, I can still deal with. Just don't have Sandra call me back to work at Mrs SAM's tomorrow, THAT I would be totally unprepared for. I have afterall resigned from there.
"Lord, I pray that Sandra won't call me back to work. I really don't want to go back there, unless of course it is to collect my pay."
Going to have a meeting/briefing with Nora and the rest at InwardBound on thursday morning. Praying that I would get a school near my parents' shop. I really want to do well to be used after this project. And I really hope that I would find favour in this company. After the meeting, I would more or less confirm my schedule. Then perhaps, I would consider going for the Singapore Broadway Playhouse auditions. Hmm...
"Lord, You are Jehovah Jireh. I know You will provide."
Still thinking about the plans for my "daughters" for 2007, am in need of a clearer direction, so I will continue to pray about it. I want to see them grow deeper in the Lord. Let's just see what the Lord says... =)

Looking back to look ahead.

2007-01-01T03:14:00.000+08:00

2006 was a year of Extraordinary Possiblities... Many things were new challenges and many things made me question my own beliefs... It was the year I graduated, a year when I have members of the audience coming up to me after the shows to tell me how convincing my acting was... Yet at the same time, it was also a time when I questioned my own ability, as I go from auditions to auditions to find no jobs... Then there were also the jobs that I got stuck in and found no joy in... Then there was the new job that I felt was the Lord's gift for the new year... I quit my previous job and joined the new job, which will start next week...

In ministry, it was a year of ups and down... 2006 saw the cell shrunk to 2 with additions along the way... A cell that was 5 became 2 overnight, it was a shocker to me and made me doubt my own life and leadership skills... My confidence was definitely shaken, the thought of leaving church was on my mind as I felt totally unworthy and very much a failure... I was so far from God and other areas of ministry were simply motion for a period of time... The Lord indeed is faithful and He has never let me go even though I failed Him in so many areas... Thank God for His love and my leader's love, without either, I would definitely have fallen away... The year 2006 ended with 4 in the cell, and definitely stronger relationships with each of my "daughters"... The shaking and moving of the cell was God's way of reminding me to rely on Him, to be faithful to the things He has placed in my life for me to take care of... Never has this statement ring so true: "Be faithful to the little things and He will add unto you." This is a lesson I have learnt well in 2006...

2007 is the year of Victory! I will walk into the year victorious. Nothing will bring me down, nothing will prevent me from accomplishing the things that I want to do for the Lord... For "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (philippians 4:13) I will walk 2007 as a warrior of Light! I will be His warrior princess... I will fight like a girl, for God made me a girl and there are battles only girls can fight... I will continue to build into my "daughters'" life...

In 2007, I will be victorious!

It's been a really long time...

2006-12-01T21:15:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I blogged... Hmm... Just wasn't motivated bah...

Well... Have been training for the Stand Chart Marathon 10km run... though not very regularly...

Was suppose to go... But because I've to be at encounter weekend, I'm giving it a miss...

Still I went to collect the run kit last sunday, though I'm not running... I've paid $45 anyway... might as well right?

Well, while I was there... California Fitness was having their roadshow at the sports exhibition or something... Out of sheer curiosity... I went onto the "evil" machine of California Fitness...

Why do I call it the "evil" machine??? Well...

For one, it tells you brutal truth about your own body...

Two, it tells you really how truly fat you are...

Maybe it is because I've yet heard private fitness clubs offering such low rates, I joined...

Haha... I succumbed to the fitness freak in me... Though it is really a small freak...

Calculated the opportunity costs... And it was a win-win situation I guess...

I save my money from eating junk... from snacking... and pool those money together, and pay for the gym membership... I still get some money left over bah...

I mean, instead of spending $6-7 at the fast foods... I spend $2-$3.50 at the hawker or simply prepare food and bring it to work... I can save about $3.50-$4 per meal... that's like $10.50-$12 per day... and that's between $315-$360 per month! Wah!!! got enough money to pay for gym membership, insurance and still have money left for buying pretty dresses... and I have yet calculate the amount I could have spend on snacks! haha...

And also... Having started working out since a long time, I actually feel that the exercises I am doing is waking my lazy muscles up...

Am aching all over after tuesday's machine circuit... the fit pro, a rather cute guy... haha... (another incentive of going to the gym... they employ cuties to be personal trainers... eye candy... muahahaha...) was teaching me how to work out using those machines... he was pushing me to my limits...motivating me to just press on that one last set... it was fun... but now muscles I've forgotten that they ever exist are aching... just below my collar bones... at the back of my shoulders and shoulder blades... the inner thigh... the triceps and biceps... you can say that every muscle is more or less aching... but it is a good ache... haha... am I mad or what... then on wednesday attended hip-hop and stretch classes at the gym... hip hop was fun... stretch made me realise that I'm not as flexible as before... things I could easily do like splits, I suddenly cannot do... but the deep stretch relieved the aching muscles a little... thursday I went for bodycombat and dance-a-mania... Bodycombat was fun, but really tiring for me... Guess my stamina not up to par yet bah... Dance-a-mania made me feel good... Easy dance steps for me la... Some others were struggling... But, I managed to keep up... It felt like school all over again... This was what I did while in college mah... haha... Am gonna go for LatinoJam and BodyPump tomorrow... Am mad la... But I wanna have a taster of the classes I think I would like... And see if I would go for it in future...

Am looking forward to losing 17kg in 3 months... It's important to have a healthy body... For our body is the temple of God... if we don't take care of the temple of God, who else will???

Am going to encounter as a guide... been awhile since I've done this... but I believe the Holy Spirit will guide me... He will give me the discernment and wisdom to pray for the participants... God is moving... I can sense it... From the day He gave me an open door to a new job that could expand my okios and build my spiritual siblings' cell... to the day He gave me the courage to go to my current bosses to say I quit... to me not going for missions, but staying in Singapore... there is a reason... and His reason is so that I can help minister to His children... so please grant me the wisdom O Lord, give me the courage O Lord and guide me as I guide Your daughters O Lord... Thank You Lord... May Your will be done... As I ask all these in Jesus' name, amen!

We've graduated...

2006-07-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

little rambling...

2006-06-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

my entries are far and few... guess i should blog a little more... sigh... but sometimes, it is just difficult to put it to words...

need to get the clutter out of my life...

2006-06-08T20:36:00.000+08:00

as i age... i realise that i am leading a more cluttered life... now that i have turned 22... and embarking on my 23rd year... i look around my room and realise that my room is rather cluttered... and i can't help but wonder if it reflects my inner self...

the clutter starts here... with fictional books...

the clutter continues... with literature and ministry materials...

clutter on my desk... a result of me trying to declutter the other clutter infested areas...

the clutter even continues to my window... where i hang flowers i received from my baptism 3 years ago... and from my previous productions...

it is time to declutter...

i can't help but not start... cos i am feeling warm... my fan broke down on me...

image is wrongly rotated... but u get the picture...

maybe i am procrastinating...

Tea...

2006-05-24T16:15:00.000+08:00

of late i have became an even more avid drinker of tea...
green teas, floral teas...
any tea without the need to add milk or sugar is my favourite...
and of course...
the typical singaporean teh...
from teh-o (tea without milk) to teh-peng (iced milk tea)...
well...
i just love my cuppa tea...
in fact i am sipping a cuppa now...
marks & spencers' organic camomile limeflower & lavender tea...
simply unwinding...

just feeling a little off...

2006-05-23T04:07:00.000+08:00

i dunno how to put this... but this is a feeling that has been bothering me for the past few evenings and i just simply need to vent it out before it does me too much damage...

ok... how shall i rant...

hmm... been going for auditions and not having any callbacks... been wondering what exactly is wrong with me... because of that, i've been feeling a little inferior... i feel fat and ugly... i feel as if i am being overlooked most of the time... the guys around me are my friends... but they are all interested in my friends... sometimes i wonder if they are friends with me just so that they can get to know my friends... but i don't think that is the case... it's just a depressive spirit making me feel so... it is also probably because of the many weddings that have been happening and are going to happen... hmm... or it is probably just the fact that i am getting older... and yearning to feel validated by another human being... i dunno... but this feeling has been getting me down over and over again... i simply have to overcome this... i have to stop this self pitying cycle.... Lord help me...

God created Man... Both male and female He created them... From the dust He created the male... From the rib He created the female... As we are created from the bone, women are fragile... Women need to find the body to be complete... Men need to find their missing rib to be complete... Girls are bones and needs to be protected... I need to be protected...

end of rant

been playing around with photoshop...

2006-05-22T16:08:00.000+08:00

been bored since my graduation... had nothing better to do than to play around with some of the programmes on my laptop... and found some joy in all of my adobe products... it is really quite fun... adobe go live... now i am able to come up with rather professional looking websites... can visit it at www.reginaelonchua.com (yap... i got myself a domain... haha... ) i must be mad... and also adobe photoshop... a sample of what i did with it below... am still exploring its endless possibilities...

waxing lyrical...

2006-05-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i last blogged... a long while... so this might be long... i dunno...

it's been hmm... 72hrs since the final show for my years in LaSalle-SIA... and so far... i am sorta feeling slightly lost... but i guess as a fresh graduate i am doing rather well... i've got a few auditions lined up... starting my internship with Singapore Drama Educators Association as project manager tomorrow... for a fresh grad... i think i am actually in quite a good position...

i feel that God is indeed a good good good God... He placed me in this path that i have embarked on nearly 3 years ago... along the way... He has been affirming this decision made... He dangled carrots in front of me to keep me motivated and not lose my direction... with job offers even before i graduated... then came the disappointment to know that those carrots had rotted away... yet... i shall not lose faith... because as those old carrots get stale and rotten, God is constantly changing those carrots... i am actually quite amazed at how quickly i've found an internship... and lined up quite a couple of auditions within 3 days of my graduation... wow...

but all said... i think i still do terribly need more affirmation... though i did well for the production of Golden Child... not because i think i did... but because of the accolades that i received from the audience... many came up to me and said that my acting was superb... that they felt the manipulative sly and shrewd chinese woman in Eng Luan, the character i played... and that many wanted to hit Eng Luan... i am truly humbled... all praise be unto God... without fail i committed each and every evening show unto His hands... and He made everything work... perfectly...

with our lecturers telling each of us that with this sending off production that we each have proven that we are no longer student-actors but we are now full fledged professionals... it simply means that all of our hardwork and heart work have not gone to waste... now each and every one of us simply need to prove to this big cruel industry that we are good enough to be part of it and it should not shut us out... it should open it's big wide arms and embrace this new batch of talented actors who have just graduated from LaSalle-SIA College of the Arts' Theatre Arts course... simply put... we are well trained hardworking actors... who simply want to be given a chance to prove that we are not merely fresh graduates... so wad says you, you who calls yourself the creative industry of Singapore???

familiarity...

2006-02-11T20:30:00.000+08:00

the thing is after what pastor william was saying today during prayer meeting strucked me... Jesus has a date with me on 14th Feb... haha... so i am not dateless... :) seriously speaking... i dun fully understand this hype about valentine's day... haha... prolly because i am not in love... that's whi y i am saying so...

another thing that pastor debra said about the tactics that guys and girls use to attract each others' attention strucked me too... haha... the clarification that some people made made the listed tactics even more hilarious... haha... to think that he would think that i would read too much into what he has been saying to me... haha... gosh... i dun understand guys at the very least... and that is prolly why the oub ladies' card tag line is "the men just dont get it..." haha... well... i think it would apply vice versa... haha...

but it does set me thinking... do i give my guy friends such a comfortable friendship that they are beginning to take me for granted??? it also set me thinking why are things as they are now??? i am afterall still a girl, and i guess all girls deep inside them want to be treated like princesses... and i definitely wish to be treated like a princess... as i am afterall a princess of the king of kings... and i am getting these vibes from my guy friends that i am one of them...

sometimes i cannot help but question myself if i am simply too friendly... simply too easy-going... so much so that my guy friends are comfortable in this friendship... and the friendship is in a rather familiar state... i am confused... i dun know what to do... sometime i feel that there is a need to distant my friendships so that it wont go into the state of familiarity that i become a little confused with where the friendship is heading towards...

yet again... everything will fall into place in His time... God has willed everything to be in His time... and this is prolly a phase that i need to go through... to learn to be stronger... to learn to guard my heart better... this is an issue that i have been struggling with... i guess i allow my heart to waver whenever a close guy friend is any nicer than usual... and it is not a good thing... sometimes i just end up feeling terrible... as i hate the thought of a perfectly good platonic friendship to turn awkward... but that's just me... haha...

i like to keep things simple... to keep my friendships clearer... and it prolly is not fair to my friends... but when i sense a danger of the boundaries blurring, i would withdraw... and prolly stop talking to the person in question for awhile... which my throw my friend in question into confusion... and not fair to the person in question...

well... for the time being... my utmost important task at the moment now is to be even more familiar with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ... i have to... i cannot allow my friendships with my friends, be it guys or gurls... to be more familiar than with God... He is with me twenty-four/seven... and my friends are only with me for at most a few hours a day... so how can my friendships with my Lord be more familiar than that of my friends??? i need to be careful who i am getting too familiar with... :)

reunion dinner... part II...

2006-01-29T20:29:00.000+08:00

okie... so my family had reunion dinner last night... on the eve's of CNY... we had steamboat la... two stoves for the beef eaters and the non-beef eaters... so ended up only my female cousins and i sat at the beef eating steamboat... haha... so we just ate and ate beef... and abalone... mostly... haha...

well... before the reunion dinner... i had to go buy the meats... the yu sheng... and some cushion covers... haha... so i spent my late morning till early afternoon at takashimaya... bought $88 worth of meats... then when i got home... i got asked by my brother whether i wanna go trim my hair at the hair salon at paragon, where our hairstylist is... i went as he kept saying my hair is messy... so i left all my meats unmarinated and went to cut my hair... only to reach home by 6pm... haha... but thank God that i have hosted two steamboat parties at my place for the past 2 weekends... so though i had little time, i managed to get everything ready before my grandma, uncles and aunties came...

okie that was CNY eve...

today, CNY, went to do V-pact for youth service... many din come... but i believe that those who came were blessed... before service, was a little bored... haha... cos i had nothing much to do... so i end up prettifying faith and grace... faith took my makeup pouch and started rummaging through it... when i was helping her sis... faith in her little seven year old mind took my lip liner out thinking it was eyebrow pencil and drew on her eyebrows... so when grace and i turn to see this little monkey... we couldn't help but burst out laughing at her... thank God i had moisturiser in my pouch... so i managed to turn the little dirty cat into pretty little princess... the two sisters nearly cleared my collection of hairclips... and stickers... they are really good at this... haha... thank goodness eight year old grace is not as vain as her little sister... but both are vain la... a little too vain for children their age... but which little girl dun wanna look pretty right??? so yeah... i managed to please these two little princesses that they are very pretty le...

after service... went to my uncle's place for family reunion dinner part ii... after dinner... my cousin, brother and i ended up playing mahjong... i won $6.70... so now a bit gian for mahjong... heehee... anyway... CNY is the only time i play this much... other times i have no time for it... haha... so must play until i satisfied this CNY... but of course... i need to go memorise my script... so yeah... CNY is getting a bit sianz thinking of the fact that i gotta memorise my lines... haha... okie i shall go do my work... and continue with part iii tomorrow... cos my family have many reunion dinners...

reunion dinner... part I...

2006-01-27T20:27:00.000+08:00

just finished seeing the last four ladies of my subzone out my door... we had our subzone reunion steamboat dinner at my place tonight... it was a messy but fun affair... being the host of this year's first subzone "outing" is a little stressful... not because i don't enjoy doing such stuff... it is because of the tight schedule i was keeping this week... everything has been a little chaotic... haha...

imagine... to the horror of my horrors... coming home after school this evening, half an hour before the scheduled time for everyone to be there, to find that there is no soup base for the steamboat... and i have no backup plan!!! so in my panic... i dunk everything that i know must go into the soup base into the pot... added enough water... and set it to boil... haha... thank goodness my mum has taught me well... and next... to realise that i have forgotten to cook rice 15 minutes later... and that i forgot to cut up the egg tofu... the crabmeat sticks... the yada yada yada... but thank God that being one family... we were not as unforgiving with each other... in fact... everyone helped entertained everyone... bottomline... i think everyone enjoyed themselves... the fellowship and fun shared over a meal often surpasses other forms of fellowship... i think that is why Jesus did most of His most important teachings and fellowships through sharing a meal... be it feeding the 5000... the 4000... or just His disciples... Jesus often choose to do it over meals... and i think tonight, though it was rather chaotic... we had fun and we fed each other... we enjoyed ourselves...

it was funny... how we start cooking, grilling food for ourselves and our friends... and then we put the food in each other's plate to have that piece of tofu... or meat... go full circle round the table... everyone seems to just cook... and no one was really eating... that is of course until it reaches the younger kids' plates... being children... they just eat... and as the older people of the group, we ended up being too polite... cooking for each other and not ourselves... children are rather obliging... even if the food do not taste that fantastic, they will still eat it... haha... kai and rachel are very good examples... the GB girls are a little less forgiving... being secondary school kid, they are a little more demanding... but still rather forgiving... the rest of us... just kept feeding the younger kids... haha... it is quite amazing how much yvonne and my estimation of food is just nice... though we had a tad too much crabmeat sticks... well we had not much of a choice... haha... it was 3 for $2.85... so we had to get 3 packets... when 2 packets would have suffice... apart from that... all other food was consumed... though the beef was a little lacking... din realise that it would be such a hit... haha... i guess it is in the marination... haha... i have good marination techniques... haha... masterfoods teriyaki sauce... that isn't that teriyaki... but works rather well on beef... haha... that's my secret recipe for tender and sweet beef...

val was saying that whoever marries me will have good food to eat... haha... guess i am not that bad a cook... haha... can be married off already according to sik... haha... guess the good thing that comes out of hosting such dinner parties would be that one gets complimented on her skills... =) and the rewarding thing to a good host is that everyone had an enjoyable time...

after eating so much tonight... hopefully i can still fit my new year clothes on sunday... =p

depressed... upset... resoluted...

2006-01-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

well... i pricked my finger on saturday evening... slept the whole day... guess last week was a little too tiring for me... the only reason i managed to sleep 16 hours straight without waking up is because i was so dead tired... and i guessed i just wanted to run away from some stuff that i cannot handle... i just wanted to sleep all my troubles away... but what was i to know? when i woke up and i wanted to pick something up from my floor, i pricked my right thumb and index finger on some unidentified objected... and that something is still lodged in my index finger till today... sigh...

i love to window shop, but when i have to try on something, i tend to hate shopping... i guess i get depress after all that trying on of clothes... it's always like... how come some girls can find clothes so easily, but i have so much problem finding clothes that i like that will fit me... sigh... that's when i get upset and just regret going shopping totally... ha... if anyone asks me after a sad day of ungratifying shopping what i dislike about my body, i would say that it is my chunky thighs... my big hips... my flat and wide feet... yada yada... and the list goes one... one thing i hate is buying bottoms... singaporean sizes are not very flattering on the ego... it makes me feel terrible about myself... if i were to go to dorothy perkins, topshop or m & s... i wouldn't have a problem finding clothes that fit... but they are damn expensive... sigh... then there are those dreadful shoe shops, where they only display the common sizes... so much so that i hate asking the sales person for my shoe size... it is especially terrible if i end up trying a couple of pairs and not buying any... the daggers would come out... and i would feel terrible...

but enough of me dreading CNY shopping... on the whole, i still managed to get clothes that i like eventually... cos i went on a sorta shopping spree last night... bought two pairs of shoes from charles & keith... a pair of red heels and a pair of khaki flats... bought a blessed tee shirt from the christian pushcart at J8... expensive... but i simply like it... bought a cream top with gold details from ebase... that's about it... the day before that, i went out with von and des... bought two bottoms... a green pleated skirt... and a pair of dark coloured jeans... spent slightly over $200 in all... just nice... within my budget... =) guess it is not that difficult for me to manage my finances well... one of my new year resolution is to manage my finances better... and so far so good... haha...

i can't wait for the day i get the car... my parents applied for a loan for a suzuki swift... i am praying hard that the loan gets approved... which means after CNY i will get to drive a car around and no longer have to squeeze in dreadful buses during rush hours.. and it also means that i will be able to drive my friends cum neighbours for service or other church stuff... or simply go out in the late nights for supper with the la kopi gang or the others, without worrying about transportation... until the loan gets approved, i can only dream... :) maybe i should just put that picture of that suzuki swift in lilac in my dream book... haha...

another of my new year resolution was to guard my heart well... i guess... i am trying to guard my heart so hard that the friendships i have with some of my guy friends would probably begin to feel the strain... but i guess this is an approach i have to take before i find myself liking them more than simply platonic friends... i am being overly cautious here... but i guess prevention is better than cure... i cannot allow myself to spoil a perfectly fine friendship because i develop romantic feelings for my guy friend due to proximity... i do not think such relationship will last as it is not because i truly like him, but more like i am comfortable around him... i am a perfectionist... and anything less than the best that God has for me will not do... and because the heart is deceiving above all else... i have to guard it even more... i need to translate head knowledge into heart work... or else i will end up hurting myself and thwarting God's plans for me... this may sound silly, but i feel a need to honour God by guarding my heart... for i need to love my King first and foremost... my God is a jealous God... and should there be another in my heart, it would break His heart... until the day that i can truly say that God takes first place above all things, even my husband-to-be... i will never be ready for a relationship... because i might forget my first love... being distant from my closer guy friends might seem a little drastic... but i believe that all friendships are blessings from God... and if i can let go of the blessings and focus on the Blesser, only then can i be truly called "blessed"... and i believe that the Lord only has plans to prosper me... not to harm me... so by giving up my friendships to the Lord, i believe that He will take care of everything else... because everything is on loan from God... i am simply a steward of the things He has placed in my charge... if i take care of the things that i am called to take care of well... only then will i be called a good and faithful servant at the end of the day... that's my goal... i may sound as if i am spouting nonsense... that i am being incoherent... but these words simply reflect what i am thinking... at the end of the day, i might not show that much concern over some of my guy friends, but it does not mean that i don't care about them... but i simply will not want to be too emotionally connected with them so that i do not end up feeling all funny inside... sound illogical... but i guess you would need to be in my shoes to understand... i strongly believe that i am a princess who belongs to the King of Kings... and that He has chosen the one that He has had long planned for me... He only wants the best of the bests for me... and i simply have to be patient and carry out my duties in a manner befitting of a princess... only then will my prince come... =) someday my prince will come... and this prince of mine is chosen by my Daddy, the King of Kings... =)

class reunion...

2006-01-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

hmm... i have come to realise that old friends from days of old are some what better than those superficial fair-weathered friends of my tertiary institution... have been blogging about how alone and ostractised i have been feeling in school... it is amazing that i even managed to get through this week rather unscath...

it is now nearly 6.30 in the morning... and i just sent of the last two jc friends of mine who came for our class reunion... this is the close knitted jc class of mine... 01A01 of Pioneer JC... it is amazing how time has just whizzed past us... it seemed like yesterday we were still mugging for our "A" levels... and now, nearly most of us are graduating or going on to do our honours... and Eddie Koh is leaving teaching to go to Melbourne to futher his studies...

we started our class reunion last evening at 7.30pm... spent time over a steamboat dinner at my house... and then we went on to celebrate the birthdays of those whose birthdays fall in Jan and Feb... we had chocolate banana cake served with cookies and cream ice-cream as well as almond mocha ice-cream... thanks to the brillant idea of mine... haha... and of course we started our usual games of bridge and mahjong...

that is why the last two classmates of mine just left my doorsteps half an hour ago... we decided to play mahjong and bridge overnight... and now i am really tired... but i thank God that i have friends who may not be around me all the time, but we still have fun when we come together... i am actually looking forward to the next class gathering... sigh... how i miss those nearly carefree days of yonderyears...

oikie... gotta go sleep... am unable to focus... and typing with loads of typo and everything is becoming rather blurry... so i am off to sleep... hopefully i do not oversleep... cos i have tonnes of homework to do..

lessons this week..

2006-01-19T23:19:00.000+08:00

just came back from cell not too long ago... cell was good today... not that cell has not been good... but today's cell is special... it's been awhile since we all presented ourselves before each other, before the Lord so broken and contrite... we all may appear to have a somewhat strong and happy exterior... but behind each of our strong exterior hides the broken and contrite heart that we all bear... and to see my fellow sisters being real before the Lord and this family... it is simply humbling...

throughout this week, i feel that the Lord has allowed all the trials and tribulations to come to mould me... i mean reflecting upon the things that have happened this week... i think i have grown... i thank God for His strength that has seen me through... and i know there is still a long way to go to grow more like Jesus... indeed verse 9 from 2 Corinthians 12 has never ring so true... His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect when I am week... only in our weaknesses is the Lord's strength most evident... thank God for His grace and mercy... for His gentleness and kindness... if not i doubt i would have been able to survive this week...

been doing a lot of thinking... i used to believe strongly that guys and girls can maintain strictly platonic frienships... but as i grow older.. as i get to know some guy friends deeper than others... i find myself sharing things that i wouldn't share with other guys... and i think it is not good for me... i mean... when we share certain things in our lives with our friends, there are certain emotional attachments... and with that comes certain expectations... and often such friends end up being familiars that remain in our comfort zones... for friendships with girls, it is perfectly okay... cos i mean, i would never ever develop romantic feelings for them... but for friendships with guys, i am beginning to have my doubts... i mean, i have been very much like a "brother" to them... i am one of the guys... but then being the girl that i am, sometimes i can't help wondering if i am not attached because i have such good guy friends that i hang out with that guys who don't really know me well enough, but knows me do not dare to approach me because they think i m attached... haha... silly me... yet i can't help but to review all my friendships... i guess, apart from me trying to guard my own heart... i would need my spiritual brothers to help me guard mine too... so fellow brothers who are reading this... help me guard my heart ok? it would definitely protect yourself... i am a girl who can be really good friends with people... but my heart is really vulnerable when i open my heart out...

why i say what i said above is because it is something that i think the Lord is warning me about... there have been signs and signals that the Lord has been giving me... that's why i am saying what i said... i seriously need to guard my own heart... i believe that the Lord will provide... but until the day i obey His voice and draw my lines more clearly in my friendships with my guy friends, i don't think i would ever be ready for the guy the Lord is to provide... i simply have to let go of my friendships and let God take care of everything...

thank You Lord for Your promises... for the covenant You've given to me... thank You Lord... i am indeed blessed!!!

thank You Lord for letting me feel Your Heart...

2006-01-16T20:18:00.000+08:00

today i think i fought a spiritual battle that left me feeling the heart of God..
being ostracised by my classmates all of a sudden, and the situation with my spiritual daughter... the former left me feeling very alone when there were so many around me... the latter made me feel the heartache of God when His daughter choose to disobey Him... both allowed me to feel Him so intimately...

it is one thing to know God, and another to feel His heart for His children...

i must say, these trials that the Lord has allowed simply did amazing things to my life today...

first of all, He brought me to a new level of confidence in Him... disciplining on behalf of the Father is not easy... i am so afraid that i would misrepresent Him that i kept running back to Melissa, my spiritual Mama to confirm the things i am doing... but when Mel said to handle it on my own, only then that i release myself into the hands of the Father and allowed Him to use me as His vessel to discipline His beloved daughter... i thank God i have new found confidence in Him...

second of all, a very important lesson that though i may be shunned by my classmates, i am not alone... i stil have the Holy Spirit with me all the time... and He will never leave me nor forsake me... for He is faithful and He is my comforter... if not for the alone time i have to myself today, i might have just zipped through the day without leaning on Him for strength and wisdom to carry on...

thirdly... i think there is a new breakthrough with my relationship with my mother... she saw me crying in my room, and i explained to her why... and told her that i think i understand how she feels when we reject her cause we disagree with her... somehow apologising for those times now was so much easier... because of the humbled position i am in... and also, i believe, that through this my mother will see that the Lord has indeed changed me... and through my being a testimony of God's grace and mercy, my household will be saved...

fourthly, my relationship with my spiritual mommy has new breakthroughs too... i am beginning to see the resemblance in the situation that i am in now... it was almost the same with that of mine when i was struggling with her... the root of the situation - insubmission... now that i have a breakthrough in this area, the Lord has graciously allow me to be trained in handling these situation... i do not believe in karma, but i do believe that because i have been through it, that i would understand and know how to handle it better...

last of all, the power of prayer... having gone for the network prayer meeting on saturday, i am beginning to see the things that we have prayed for during that day begin to take shape... though it is still very early to say it is... but i believe and i claim in faith that the things that the Lord has promised WILL indeed come to pass and T.E.O. can do nothing about it... because the battle has already been won... and the more he wanna fight, he will realise that this daughter of the King of kings is not someone to be trifled with... i am a warrior princess... i will put on the armour of the Lord and fight the battle... even if it would cost me everything... i would still do so... for everything i have on this earth is on loan from my Father, so what matters most is me fulfilling the task my Lord has given me... and that is to pray ceaselessly...

i thank God for those times when He tells me He loves me in His amazing ways... and tonight when i felt His heart so truly in me that i couldn't stop crying, i realised that this is how much He cries out for me... how much He cries out for His children... and as i cried out to Him for strength, as i seek my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for their prayers... as i humbled myself before Him to say that without Him i cannot do this, He affirms me... in the most beautiful way... through a brother, He gave him a vision, a vision for me...

God impresses upon me a picture of you... dancing onstage, a ballerina you dance His glory, His will of steps for you, and He is pleased. the audience claps half-heartedly, you struggle and your smile is apprehensice. but your Lord cries... in response to the dance which you put so much heart nad soul into and He tells you, my dear... you who are weary, worry not of the world, I am pleased. do you not see My tears for you? they are tears of joy. I will give you rest. only I can give you rest.
then he said, now u need to finish the dance, and then run back to Him. that's what u're told by Him to do. do it. and look not to the world.

this vision sounds so familiar... i have heard it before... i heard it when i was reading the book called Divine Dance a year or so back... and i remember writing and entry about it... i guess i have forgotten, that's why the reminder...

my God, thank You... thank You for being who You are... thank You for being so amazing... thank You for humbling me time and time again... thank You for training me to be the best i can be for You... thank You for letting me feel Your heart...

no one said the Christian walk is easy... but it is not difficult to walk if your partner is God...

sometime, like the dancer in this picture, i feel so alone on this stage... and i forget that i am dancing for my King, and He is simply delighted by my dance...

give thanks in all circumstances

2006-01-15T23:16:00.001+08:00

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods? Selah Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.
Psalm 4:1-5

How the words of God speak to our hearts when we need it most... How He reveals His Words to speak so timely to the situations... God is simply amazing...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
James 1:2-3

Just a few moments ago, i had an argument with one of my spiritual daughters... At one point through out the MSN conversation, i was fuming mad to the brink of tears, as i realise that whatever i am saying is received negatively by her and that she is missing the point... a phone call to Mel allowed the Lord to remind me to be grace and loving as i discipline and put forth my stand... and as i read the daily bread for today entitled No grudges after sunset... i can't help but repent of my sinning against this sister of mine... in my frustration, harsh words came out... and no matter how much grace and love abounded in the words to follow, just did not make any impact on her... realising that i have misrepresented God most likely, i repented... i am not saying that God is not a harsh God, but i am saying that in my harshness, the grace and love did not come through... God may be harsh, but His grace and His love for us still comes through clearly.. and in this area, i have failed to represent Him truly...

i thank God for the lessons He is teaching me through this... not only is He allowing me to make my stand in this situation, He is also allowing me to learn to represent Him more accurately... i thank God that when i seeked Mel for help, she did not spoonfed me with the things to say or do... but she reminded me that i have been appointed leadership over this daughter of my King, and that i have every right to correct her, that i am chosen to be used to discipline her... so i can speak confidently, because i am God's chosen... i thank God that He is giving me the opportunity to learn to be gentle yet firm... that He showed me what not to do through this situation... i thank God that He is empowering me with the experiences i need as a leader to handle such situations... i thank God that God loves both of us enough to allow me to be able to learn something out of this and at the same time reminding her of the promises she made to God... there is a lot more to thank God about out of this situation... but most importantly, i thank God that He is God... that He is sovereign and holy...

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

there are times when i do hope my spiritual daughters need not go through the trials, but then again, who am i to hinder God's plans for them... all i can do is make my stand clear in the situations that arise, and then let go and let God... will at all times, interceding for God's wisdom to come upon us all until the final decision is made...

true intimacy - knowing God's heart and obeying it

2006-01-14T20:15:00.000+08:00

True worship is a life of obedience and out of that life will flow songs of worship, which will delight the heart of God.

i do hope that every aspect of my life is pleasing to the Lord... that it delights the heart of God... sometimes, i feel so unworthy... i feel as if i have disappointed the Lord during certain moments of the day... i feel as if i haven't done the things that He had wanted to be done... i am most guilty of such deeds i suppose... joining in on some gossip here and there... oh how i repent and try not to do so each day... oh how tough is it... cos even just having that thought, i have sinned...
but i am grateful... i am grateful that the Lord is merciful... that He is gracious... that each time i repent of the sin, He forgives... and He helps guard me so that the next possible chance i might not sin against Him... though i still do falter, He is faithful in His pursuit of me... how much more could i ask of the King of kings??? how much more could i ask of my Father... when He knows best...

There are some things we don't have to pray about! We should already know God's desire before we even ask.

was reading the chapter call "what hinders true intimacy?" in the book Drawing Near by John Bevere... and it speaks of how Balaam, a prophet of in the Old Testament, who was gifted with a great gift of prophesy... although he is anointed with such spiritual gifting, he was enticed by money and recognition... and so when the enemy used this against Balaam, through the elders of Moab and Midian and other men of greater position and honor... Balaam seeked the Lord about the situation as to whether he should go with these men to curse the Israelites... in my mind i was thinking... how stupid can Balaam be??? the Lord has said that the Israelites are His chosen people, and through them many will be blessed... how can you ask God for permission to curse His chosen people???
there and then, the Lord revealed to me... that this is how most of us are living our lives... there are certain things that we balantly know that it is against the plans of the Lord with certain options opened to us... things that we ought to know well enough not to ask God for... i mean... it would be like asking God when i see a non-Christian guy whom i fancy for permission to date him... (not that i would to so... haha...) this is like committing spiritual suicide... but then, the Lord told me that, there are balant things that we know we must not do and need not ask about it... however, there are the "grey" areas that we try to squirm our way around... and there and then, i knew that the Lord was not talking about the things He said we must not do... He was talking about the things that He is asking me to wait.. the things that He has already said not now... i am guilty of asking God for some things and even when i have heard Him say wait... i still ask God to give it to me, day after day... but that's not what He wants from me... He doesn't need my prompting, cause He said wait... He wanted me to WAIT... and i am not obeying... what we must realise is that when we covet something contrary to God's will for us, God will often give it to us; His answer is according to the idols resident in our hearts. He does this to recapture our hearts. this is stated in Ezekiel 14:4-5... i have gone through a few such phases in life, and of course seen a few such instances... all i can say that i did not realise it to its fullest revelation until today... when God opened my eyes and revealed to me... thank God for this revelation... i pray that i will not fall into this rut of disobedience again...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a furture..." - Jeremiah 29:11

hmm...

2006-01-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

is it by pure coincidence that the monologue i have chosen to do is one that simply jumped out at me??? the story is not about me... but this is one character who i find that i can easily relate to... i mean... the monologue starts out saying that "a beautiful woman should never have to beg for the love of a man..." and it goes on to how she was called names when she was child... how most asian girls have a "plateface" and squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... how her hair is straight flat not shiny... but no matter what... as she said "outside i am ugly no i know. but i am beautiful in my heart yes God knows my heart is the home of great love." and about how the men she met in her life weren't beautiful inside or out... she missed nothing... she don't feel bad about having no one... because "this beautiful woman will never beg."

i was thinking how like me... haha... well... i may not have squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... but i don't really think i am the kind of girl people would call pretty... haha... well... there are times in my life when i wished that i had higher cheekbones, bigger eyes, better skin... but i have come to realise through all the teasing i have had in all my life, it doesn't matter... i have been teased all my life since i can remember and up till today i am still being teased about the way i look... but seriously i am not caring as much as i would have five years ago... i am comfortable as i am... of course i need to be healthy and all... but i am comfortable in my own skin... and i have learnt to draw strength from my Father in the recent years when ugly comments come along my way... i am perfect in my Father's eyes... He loves me and sent His Son to die for me not for how i look... but simply for me... =) thank God He doesn't judge us on our appearances, but He looks at the conditions of our heart... and i know that my heart is like that of the character in the monologue... my heart is the home of great love...

it's funny how God affirms His daughters... as much as i may have felt comfortable in my own skin... i always find my fellow spiritual sisters prettier, more attractive, sweeter looking than myself... and i have from time to time tried my very best to play matchmaker for them... even if it is with guys i myself find attracted to... somehow, to avoid rejection, i have hidden behind this mask of feeling unworthy, to prevent getting hurt myself i guess...

a few days back, a friend of mine was telling me that there are two kind of girls... the nice girls and the good girls... and i belong to the good girls... was a little confused, but he explained... nice girls are very easy to find... nice girls = easy to get, easy companionship... makes you feel nice... and that good girls are the ones with good characters... nice girls everywhere also have, but good girls are hard to come by... well... as much as i may not possess the most feminine of characters, at least i do have good characters... haha... i guess, some times i am simply not as gentle as Jesus would be... i mean... if i were gentle, Pastor William wouldn't tell me "Regina, gentle..." almost everytime he gets the chance to... =) well, like i stated in my 2006 resolution, that i have sent to my spiritual mama, Mel, i would like to see more growth in gentleness in my Spirit... i guess in the past few months i have increased my gentleness, though it might be minute... but i think in the last months i have grown, there is still more room to grow... and of course bottomline is to be more like Jesus...

just as unexpected as my friend's comment was a few days back, Gwen, one of my spiritual sisters, messaged me on MSN saying "juz wanna drop by and tell you that you are actually very pretty. you gt very distinct features. well......try not to eat too much. =) you will be gorgeous." and then she went on to say that Mel also agrees that i am pretty... at first i was wondering why such a message out of the blue... then i begin to see that this might simply being God affirming me through His children that i am good enough for Him, that i am pretty in His eyes...

i think of late, i have been busying myself with work, to take my spare thoughts off the "distractions" of life... and i think the Lord sees me beating myself up, because i am trying to conceal how i am feeling deep down inside... and He just wanted to tell me that He loves me no matter what the world may say... =)

thank You Lord, for Your affirmation...
thank You for sending Your angels to affirm me...
thank You guys for being God's angels...
thank You for simply showering Your love on me...
thank You for not letting me beg... =)

school's tiring, but Thank God for His sustenance!

2006-01-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

i m exhausted... this is only the third day of school... and i m EXHAUSTED... gosh... i m wondering if i can survive this last semester... my graduating semester... *sigh* but i will persevere on... this is what the Lord has called me to do... so i shall grit my teeth and just bear with the crazy heavy schedule... and i shall stop whining about how tiring school is... well... i shall after i end this entry... heehee...

school started on 3rd Jan... and it started off with dance class... may be it was all the holiday goodies... maybe it is the lack of exercise during the holidays due to the busy schedule of work... but the cardio-aerobic warm up sequence almost killed me... was able to hold the plank position for as long as needed... but i barely held on for 40secs... and the crunches... it was such a breeze last semester... this semester, i was in pain by the 8th set... oh gosh... how unhealthy have i become over the holidays??? arrggghhhhh....
after dance class, as strenuous as it was, i survived and was able to have enough energy to still practice it one last time for safety and memory sake... but rehearsal for chekov sapped away whatever last energy i have in me... we had to do RUSSIAN FOLK DANCE!!!! thank God i took Russian character dance when i was doing ballet... but our director, Mary Tear, is a physical theatre director... thus we not only had to do the Russian dance steps... we had to do all our various falls and fight sequences... by all accounts... none of these were relaxing at the very least... by the end of the rehearsals, i was deadbeat...
and that was just my FIRST day!!!!

Thank God 2nd day was slightly less strenuous... but still as tiring... cos we still had rehearsals on the 2nd day of school! Today, is by far, the most relaxing of the past three days... Arts Management in the morning, theory class... so it was simply sitting there and listening to the lecturer... answering her questions from time to time... which required NO movements... then we had singing... which was also rather light, probably the only thing that had much to do was my vocal cords and diaphragm... after which, my friends and i had a loooong lunch at Parkway, as lecturer Yu-Beng wasn't here for our 1st class... and finally, my school day ended with voice lesson... which was relatively brainless and movement-less today...
but probably due to the fact that i lost sleep last night... due to a cyst on the bottom of my right upper eyelid, causing me loads of pain and discomfort, so much so that i was still awake at 3am... and waking up at 6.30am to go to school so that i won't be late for my 9am class halfway around the island... yeah... woke up with bloodshot eyes and looking rather pale and listless... i looked so terrible that some of my school mates who saw me thought i am ill... haha... but Thank God i ended my day with cell at Mel's place... a much needed spiritual boost and rest... it is comforting to end a busy day just dwelling in the Lord's presence and seeking Him... also nice to end the day in fellowship with my spiritual family... a refreshing change of environment from school...

The Lord is my sustainer.

am reading this book called Drawing Near by John Bevere... it is a really insightful book... and reflecting upon the words in the book... i now realise the dangers that we as believers are exposed to... i mean, these dangers can go undetected... like how we can be thinking that we love God... but not realise that we are only in love with the what God can do for me... we might just fall into the trap of loving the blessings more than the Blesser... i thank God that He has allowed me this priviledge to realise the existance of this trap... i was checking myself... and i agree with the author on this point... when we have that burning bush experience, encountering God in His full glory and awesome-ness... we would tend to desired the Lord Himself more than His promised blessings... but there are those who love God conditionally... when their desires are elevated over His heart or presence... they are happy and thankful as long as God is doing what they want when they wnat it and unhappy whenever God isn't doing what they want when they want it... i happened to fall into the second category of people before encounter weekend... and ever since then, i can say that i have begin to find myself getting into the first category of God's people...

why am i so confident to say that i am beginning to find myself in the first category?

well... this confidence is not in myself... but in God... i must say that the Lord has revealed so many of His promises to me in the past three years of serving Him that it is hard to turn away from Him... i am not saying there are no low periods since then... like Moses, i do get frustrated, i do come to my wits' end while serving Him... but the Lord has graciously shown me time and time again that He loves me unconditionally... that He loves me just as i am... that nothing i can do would make Him love me any more or any less...

there has been many downs and ups in these past few years... but without fail, God always assures me of His love for me... and because He first love me, that i can love Him back... that i am even given this priviledge to bless Him... i thank God that He has allowed me to see God beyond being Jehovah Jireh... i thank God that through the years, He has romanced me and ransomed me, allowing me to see Him as simply God... in all His glory and splendor... i thank God that i am His chosen... that He has hand picked me to love Him for who He is and not for what He can do for me... i thank God for the revelation that i am blessed not because of what i have done, but because He chooses to bless me... i thank God that i am able to come thirsty to Him and when i draw near to Him, He comes even nearer... i thank God for choosing to allow me to dwell in His presence...

Thank You God...
Thank You for inviting me into Your presence...

school's starting...

2006-01-02T20:09:00.000+08:00

school's starting tomorrow... there are mixed feelings... i am looking forward to it as well as am apprehensive about it... looking forward as it is my last semester before graduation... apprehensive as i am not sure if i am going to be employed by the time i graduate... in this line of performing arts, somehow things are rather uncertain... right now i can only pray that i am doing things in line with God's plans for me... and not rebelling against the destiny He has marked out for me... i am praying for a job that would allow me full flexiblity to continue to serve Him... i know that He is Jehovah Jireh, my God WILL provide... no doubt about that... and since He has placed me in the arena of the Arts... i know full well that my future is safe in His hands...

so Lord... here is my request... heehee... i wanna serve You without needing to worry about anything... i know You are able to provide me with a job that would allow me to serve in GB, lead Your daughters, as well as it being a platform for outreach for Your cause... i simply ask that You would grant me a job that would become my career, that would glorify Your name... i know it is not too much to ask of You... and i know that despite the busy schedule i have had over the past few years, You have always made it possible for me to serve You without concerns... and i know that everything that You allow me to go through is part of Your moulding and pruning process for me... and i know that my security is in You and You alone... i thank You God... for Your faithfulness to me... for Your grace and mercy that is ever abounding... thank You for being the God that You are and only You can be... words alone can't express enough the gratitude in my heart... thank You for choosing me... thank You for crowning me to be Your daughter... Princess Regina Elon Hephzibah... thank You dear Father... no matter how much i have strayed or fallen, You have never let me go... thank You God... You are the reason that i am able to sing... the reason that i live... the reason that i am able to dance...

indeed... as Ps William says... it's not an obligation to dance for the Lord... but it is more like "do i have a reason to dance for the Lord today?" and i must say... everyday, i can dance for the Lord because He is worthy... that's my only reason... because God You are worthy of all the praise and adoration... not because of what You have done... but simply because You are God and You are worthy of my worship... and as Pastor Khong said "praise and worship to the Lord is always active, open and expressive..." how can i possibly not vocalise it? how can i possibly not make it audible? how can i possibly not make it visible? thank You Lord for renewing worship unto You... thank You Lord for reminding me that we have to worship You Your way... thank You for allowing me to be able to come wanting to bless You... thank You Lord for giving me the ability to say Hallelujah... To praise Jehovah...

tell the world that Jesus lives...
tell the world that... tell the world that...
tell the world that He died for them...
tell the world that He lives again...

Thanksgiving for a year of Celebration ahead!!!

2006-01-01T20:06:00.000+08:00

Started the year off with a watch night service at the good old familiar Touch Community Theatre... It's been weeks since out church has moved to Expo... going back there for a watch night service with the good family of both Pastor William and Pastor Debra's Network a.k.a. William's & Debra's Next Generation... about 500 of us gathered at this small little auditorium... small because it sits 1000 people max... compared to the Max Pavillion's 7000, it is indeed small... but truth is that... in this small auditorium, many have given their lives to the Lord... the Lord has used this place to prepare us for the Max Pavillion...

Back to the topic of watch night... Well... Haven't been this crazy for a long time... I mean yeah I have been dancing for the Lord at every service... However, it has been a long time that I have danced till my heart almost stopped beating for that second, till I have stitches on both sides of my body and on top of that, while wearing a LONG skirt that impedes movement almost... It was crazy... Dancing as if there is no tomorrow for the Lord... This is afterall what the Lord has called us to do... We are created to worship Him... and so there I was dancing my heart out for the Lord... and I must say, I love dancing for the Lord... I can lose my voice, but as long as I can move, I will dance for the Lord... I was brought forth into this world to dance for the Lord...

Today, instead of our usual Youth service at 1330hrs, we had our New Years' Bash at 1800hrs... It was one crazy party for the Lord... there we were... probably 6000 people in all... we were all dancing, singing and screaming out praises for the Lord... it was indeed a service the Lord is proud of... it is afterall His commandment that we praise Him... Psalm 149:1 "Praise the Lord!" Be it through our voices... through other audible means... or through visible means like lifting our hands, kneeling down, falling prostrated... and of course dancing... we are called to worship the Lord... and we are to worship Him, His ways... and one thing for sure... tonight, the Lord was delighted with our celebration service... because He takes delight when we celebrate Him... when we come wanting to praise the Lord, our God...

looking back over the whole of last year... i do indeed have many things to give thanks to the Lord for...

1. all the financial situations He has seen me through... the Lord has blessed me with the scholarships I needed to make sure I have enough to pay for my school fees... with jobs to see that I am able to pay the remaining sums...

2. my mum's salvation... though I do wish she would choose to walk with Him... she said the sinner's prayer... but the fear of my dad has prevented her from drawing close to God... I can only pray that she would understand that the Lord rejoiced with the angels the day she invited Him into her life... and that she would understand why she needs to walk with Him and not forget what He has done for her...

3. for healing... my youngest brother's miraculous healing in june... doctors thought he had stomach cancer... but after intercession and crying out to the Lord on his behalf... the Lord made his ailment simply a case of spilt stomach and healing him in 24hrs... requiring no operation... the Lord has been rather gracious to him... and I pray that one day, he will hear His voice and turn back to Him... for mel's miraculous speed of recovery after her operation in mid december... doctors said 6 weeks, but He healed her in 2 weeks... though swelling has yet to fully go, she is looking better and more beautiful each day...

4. my spiritual family... spiritual mummy melissa who has been so patient and firm with me... spiritual sisters who have been my confidants, especially von, des, val, yt and gwen... and also the very people who have moulded me and help me grow... spiritual daughters, loi, jenn, seokie, and peiyi, who at times could drive me to my wits' ends but are also the very sweet girls that they can be... new spiritual daughters of mine this year, eunice, rebecca and wenting... their potential is immense... and I believe they will move the nations...

5. friends who have seen me through good and bad... the La Kopi folks (mel, val, dexter, dan, and those of the la kopi gang) and folks of the older FAW, (dale... gabe...) these are the very people whom I hang out late into the nights with for whatever reasons that sometimes i wonder too... people who don't mind gaining a few more kilos due to the late night suppers... friends who allowed me to drive their cars, not worrying that this newbie would crash their vehicles...

6. got my personal iBook G4 in august... and my driver's licence on Oct 24...

7. FAW's revival... (what have i gotten myself into again)

8. we moved to Expo...

9. I turned 21!!!

10. most importantly, being pruned by God... it wasn't a year without ups and downs... no one ever said the Christian walk with God would be easy... so thank God for the trials and life's lessons... thank God that though we often sow in tears, we can reap with joy... thank God for Him seeing me through these times of pruning...

there are so much more to give thanks for... but words cannot express my thanks enough...

Yield to God's timetable

2005-12-22T20:05:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i last blogged... haven't felt the urge to blog until today... some how i felt the need to blog... to journal my feelings today... because i need to remember it... until the day it is fulfilled...

His timing is always perfect

"if this is pruning Lord, please make it a little less painful... i dunno how long i can last... this aching pain is a little to much to bear... i am afraid i might just turn cold..." this was a silly statement i made while going through a season in life... sometimes, i am really unsure of what the Lord wants me to learn out of the whole process... but He is revealing it to me as i seek Him...

was reading the word on Our Journey just a moment ago... and realised that it is indeed a season of pruning for me, just as what Von said... i have probably yet to learn to have that patient trust in the Lord, thus this season of pruning...

"Patience is a learned spiritual art—perhaps one of the hardest ones to find active in our lives... Patience is the skill of waiting well, of yielding our timetables to others and—most important—to the Lord..." i guess i simply have a lot to learn about being patient... living in this time and age where almost everything is instantaneous... instant noodles, instant messaging, shorter flights from point A to B, news from half way around the world is available the other side of the globe almost immediately... things now a days are available almost twice the speed or faster than it was available in the past... that is probably why some of us, me include, want instant patience... haha... if patience is instantaneous, it would not be patience anymore...

there are various things in my life that i would much rather it be granted to me at a faster speed... relationships, with friends, with God... it is easy to make friends... but to maintain a friendship, to bring it to a deeper level... it all requires time... and i am probably not someone who is patient enough... i have a lot of friends... but the people i am closer to are people who made an effort to make this friendship a deeper one... this is an area i need to grow...

then there is the BGR kinda situation... sometimes i am left wondering what is it about me that my guy friends seem to overlook me when they look for a match... maybe i am simply thinking too much... but i am not the gentle, sweet kind of girl that most guys like... and as much as friends may say that in His time God will provide, and i definitely believe that God will provide... i cannot help but wonder if there is anything wrong with me... this is probably an area the Lord wants to mould me in... it is an area in my life that keeps recurring... each time i think that i have let go to God... a new set of challenges comes up... and as much as it is pruning... i am afraid that i might just give up being who i am and conform to the world's view of what girls should be like - the quiet, demure kind of girl... i might just give up being me... being the vivacious, crazy girl i am... i am afraid i might lose who i am eventually when i grow tired of waiting and i have yet to grow in this aspect... i am afraid that i might settle for something less than the best of God...

O Lord, guard my heart and guard it well... I know You won't stretch me beyond what I can bear... I am willing to be prune by You... but Lord, help me endure the pain, for I am afraid I might just give up on this blessing that You have for me when I come out of this season as You have planned... Father I want to bear more fruits for You... So I give You the freedom to prune me... I want to yield to Your timetable... Because Your timing is always perfect... Help me grow in patience, in gentleness... Help me be less guarded, less critical of myself... For I know I am Your Beloved, I am Your Chosen... Thank You Lord for never giving up on me...
For I am Regina Elon Hephzibah... Regina meaning Crowned with Honour... Elon meaning God Loves Me... Hephzibah meaning My Delight Is In Her (Isaiah 62:4)... Thus I am a princess of the King of Kings... I am crowned with honour, beloved by Him and I am his delight...

We want to be our own god...

2005-10-26T20:02:00.000+08:00

Was reading the passage and word for quiet time on our journey today... the words written are so true... how often have I placed myself in the centre, enthroning me and dethroning God... I am reminded once again how selfish I have become over the years... Thinking that I have been dethroning myself and enthroning God... But how often have I made empty promises to God so that I could claim His blessings in my life? How often have I been feeding my control addiction with the drug of manipulation? How often have I allowed my egocentrism to rule my life?

I have been denying the desire I have to be God... I have been living in disillusion... On one hand I am believing that I am preaching and practicing what I preach... To put God in the centre and everything else would fall into place nicely...

Ha! How foolish have I been to believe that I am indeed practicing this truth! What a liar I have been to myself... It may be true that I have place God in the centre most of the time... Yet from time to time, I would dethrone Him and put myself on the throne, especially when things don't go the way I wish it would be... How foolish am I O Lord... To think that I can outdo You! Lord... Forgive me....

Revelation 4:2-10 illustrated clearly this theory... I shouldn't term it a theory... I should say that it is a lifestyle... To live a life where everything else in existence is accurately described only in its relationship to the throne of God... The centre of all existence is God upon His throne...

Today's revelation is to learn to view life fromt he vantage point of the one who spoke it into existence... to have the "mind of Christ" as written in 1 Corinthians 2:16... To lay it before the throne of God and with prayers move the challenges of life from our own insecurities and uncertainties on earth to the throne of God in the heavenly realm... it's only in this way are we able to see beyong the present and look at what is to come with hope, depending not on our own strength but putting our dependence on our Lord God Almighty... To cast the crowns of our life before His throne... To approach the throne of life with confidence...

Come to His courts, with praise on our lips...

Our hearts, and our minds, and our souls worship Him...

Bow on our knees, lift up our hands, joining the angels above...

Declaring holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come...

Holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come...

Indeed God is God... Nothing else could take His place... He is Lord God Almighty... He is the great I AM... He is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent... There is nothing in this world, which He has created that the Lord do not know... He is the reason that I live, the reason that I sing with all I am... Because He is God, I can face tomorrow... Because I know, He holds the future... And in Him I can trust fully...

Thanks be to God!!!! I've passed and obtained my driver's licence... I think 24ths are good days... In 2003, May 24th... I was baptised... In 2005, October 24th... I passed my driving test... My God is an amazing God... He allows everything to fall in place so beautifully... Now Expo may be at the other end of the island... But because God is good... I can drive there now... =)

God's graciousness...

2005-10-20T19:59:00.000+08:00

Of late, my walk with God has not been good. I have found thousand and one ways to still be able to do the things that makes me appear an obedient servant, but looks can be deceiving. For quite some time already, my walk with God has taken a somewhat downward spiral. I have had been deluding myself, busying myself and finding all sorts of reason to not spend time with my Abba Father.

The idea that Christians lead an easier, better life is a half truth. Indeed, we do lead better life. A life that is more rewarding, a life that is purposeful. However, many do not understand the need for us to come to the cross daily. The need to lay down all our rights and surrender our all to God. The need to listen for His voice and be obedient to His commands. All these requires us to step out of our comfort zone and make sacrifices.

I have for the longest time, know all of this. I have taken those extra step of faith and obeyed Him. I have always known that following Christ is not always easy and that it would cost me something. Something dear to me, something I would hold on to for security. I know the things to do to be the obedient Christian. And I think I have become somewhat a Pharisee.

I have forgotten my first love. I have forgotten why I even serve. I have been so selfish and self-centered. I have sinned against my Lord, enthroned myself and dethroned my King.

However, as much as I have been running away from my Father. He has always been there waiting for me to come back home. He is there with His outstretched arms, welcoming me back with a warm hug and cloaking me with His righteousness. His graciousness and faithfulness to me make me wonder how did I loss my focus on Him and wandered off.

Today's quiet time message on Our Journey talks about how following Him is not always comfortable. How Jesus didn't call us to a happy, comfortable existence. It reminded me about my own selfishness. How I have been caught up with my own agenda and have missed out completely God's agenda.

I thank God that He is God Almighty. If my God is anything but Almighty, He wouldn't have had been as patient and as faithful to me. I thank God that He hasn't gave up on me when I get my priorities wrong. Though my God is such a wonderful patient God, He can get so jealous when our we dethrone Him and enthrone something else in our lives. That's why as a loving Father, He disciplines us when we sin and He will prune us to help us be more like Him.

The past few weeks, I have been hearing voices. These voices weren't from God. I thank God that I was still able to discern between His voice and T.E.O's. I have been far from God and haven't been tuning my spiritual F.M. to His voice for a long long time. But still, He allows me to be able to still discern and know that those voices weren't from Him. Those lies and deceitful thoughts, were from T.E.O.

My gracious Father, allows all these things to happen to make me stronger for Him. Our calling is to suffer. To be broken and contrite before Him, so that people will see Him in us. I need to learn to cherish the pain that comes from both the discipline and the pruning. The pain from discipline will stop once I stop sinning. The pain from pruning is when God is done, so I have to learn to cherish the pain even more. If my Lord, doesn't love me... He wouldn't even bother to prune me. So I thank God for the pruning. It allows me to engage in His destiny for me.

I guess, all these while, I have been deceiving myself into believing that I have changed and died to my old self. However, there is still much pride in me that has yet been relinquished. I still want to be the centre of attention and am still very very self-centered. I have been living a life that would fulfil my own selfish ambitions and neglected the ministry that God has placed under my charge. During these few months of running away from God, of finding every excuse to do the minimal for Him, I have reverted back to my former self. I have gone back to a life of not taking personal responsiblities selectively, pushing the blame to my circumstance or others. I have lost the compassion for His children, I have not been loving God, as I have not been feeding His lambs. I have been so caught up with the doing of things that I have forgotten the heart behind the work.

It is only because God is gracious, that He reminded me through a number of people around me to listen to His voice again. To hear Him saying to me that it is not about what I can or cannot do. It is about what He wants to do through me. It is about Him loving me for who He has created me to be. His love for me is unconditional. He has not called me His child because of what I do, but He calls me His child because He chose to. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Chirst Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2: 8-9) God's intention finally is for us to know Him - to know Him as God Almighty.

I have chosen to follow Jesus, because I have been allowed this choice. I will therefore also choose to obey and be committed to Him. I want to be fully committed to God, not to be selfish but to pay whatever price that is required so that I will follow Him wholeheartedly. Commitment to Jesus requires that we pay the price. And the price today and everyday is to daily pick up the cross and die to myself.

I want to be like Peter, to respond to Jesus in the same manner as he did in John 6:68-69. To stay committed to Jesus. To pay the price, a price that is incremental as time goes on. I want to be broken and contrite so that as Jesus can take me to deeper levels of commitment, I will not turn away because it is painful paying the price, but I will be willing to relinquish my rights to it. To simplu take the step up to the next level, to do the hard but right thing out of obedience to Him and trust Jesus.

it's been a long long time...

2005-10-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i last submitted an entry... gosh was i busy... this must have been the busiest period of my semester... production was driving me nuts... Thank God it's finally over... weeks of not seeing the my block in the sun when i reach home... weeks of lack of sleep and such... it's gonna be over soon... after next week all is well... Thank God...

some times i wonder... if i am too deep... then again... is it just the people around me who are simply dense? i am often left wondering... some how with certain group of friends, i just can't seem to be of similar frequency anymore... there is probably some tuning needed... but still... am wondering if i am simply being an eccentric artiste... they say people who dabble in the Arts are eccentric... so i guess i probably fall into this category... i have this anal retentiveness in me that requires perfection and creativity... but seriously now... i don't really care... i am beginning my two months of hols before my final semester in college... i can't believe it, but time has whizzed pass so quickly... i am ACTUALLY graduating next april!!!

Thanks be to God... i was proposed a job offer by touch youth services to help set up the theatre arts department even before i graduate... just when the future appeared bleak... God just delivers His plans for me at the most unexpected times... i didn't really plan to go to TC for service last sat... but somehow, cos of production and such, i went to TC to worship... nowadays, it's only when i have productions do i worship at TC... so yeah... due to production, i was at TC... just as i was about to enter the auditorium... KS came up to me and asked me when i am graduating... he then told me that he is helping tys start up the theatre arts programme thingy... and asked if i would be interested... so yeah... when everyone else seem to have no job prospects... God is dropping one right before my doorstep... i am still considering... and praying about it... guess if the pay is good... i won't look anywhere else... how often can i mix work with pleasure??? when all the uni graduates have problem looking for a job that befits their cert... i am offered one becoz of my cert...

this just double confirms that this path that i am in... the path of a theatre practitioner is indeed one of His divine plans for me... God is simply just too good to me... i so totally don't deserve it... guess further studies might be put on hold for now... afterall, i should restart and take care of the ministry God has kindly entrusted me with... neglected it for awhile now...

for now... i shall go rest...

On the verge of breakdown 2...

2005-09-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

this entry may not sound nice... cos i need an outlet for ranting... before i do really have a breakdown and go berserk...

being in final year of studies can probably be listed as one of my most stressful moments... the amount of assessments, projects and essays are numerous... and it seems as if they are never-ending too...

rehearsals is another factor that is edging me towards insanity... i so do not know what my director wants out of me... seems like basing everything on my actor's instincts is totally contrary of what she wants... yet, she is not communicating her ideas clearly to me... i might run the risk of sounding racist here... but i do believe that the western mindset and the eastern mindset are on two ends of the spectrum... being asian, and chinese, i have the perception of my character, who happens to be a peranakan - therefore asian, based on the people i've encountered with... but being ang moh, my director sees from another perspective... and some how our thoughts about this character are probably liken that of 2 parallel lines that are going in opposite directions... they would never meet... because of this, i am not understanding what she wants from me... so i am stressed...

i enjoy my work with the inmates of Changi... but i am getting irritated and pushed to the edge of my tolerance by my lecturer... supposed that with the title of lecturer, being married and 30 plus... she might have been matured and stable right?? OMG, this was such a misconception on my part! she is the most irritating, childish, annoying, immature adult i have ever come across... gosh... my classmates are always telling me to ignore her provocation... so that's what i do... and that incurs her wrath... thank God that i will only be seeing her for another 2 weeks and it's adieu... she has such a bad name in the intricately, tight-knitted theatre community in Singapore, that i am ashamed to be considered her student... she simply SUX! and pushing the blame onto me for something that she should have done, which i volunteered to do... i was so completely busy through the week that it slipped my mind, and to get her bitchy attitude for it... argh... i apologised for my mistake and in return, she put her hand to my face, giving me the talk-to-my-hand attitude... well... whatever... i dun care... i took up personal responsibility to admit to my mistake and to receive such a response... aiya... she SUX... she can go rot and stink up her own corner... but don't come pollute and tarnish my name... i have the tag of being hardworking and trustworthy in all my other lecturers' eyes... so she can just scoot off and cry somewhere...

i should be unaffected by such stuff... take things in its stride... slow down and smell the flowers... but i am simply too stressed to do so... i am rather high-strung now... i simply need to better manage my emotions i suppose... but it seems that swallowing the unpleasant things that i am dealt with has a limit too... i guess i just gotta learn to let go and know that it's okay to get upset and scream... but for now... i shall sleep my troubles away...

God into Your hands I commit again... All I am is Yours... So hear me Lord when I cry out in pain... Save me Lord from myself... don't let me beat myself up with my self reprocrating attitude... I claim Your healing in the areas of hurt in my life right now O Lord... Thank You... I know You understand too Lord Jesus... Forgive me for my anger, for my madness... Having ranted it out, it's a sorta letting go... Well, I should just go...

one of the boys?

2005-09-16T19:53:00.000+08:00

haha... was reading this monologue, as i prepare for my audition prep tomorrow morning... somehow, it spoke to me... well... not totally, but it sorta set me thinking...

well... some of the stuff that have been in my mind the past few weeks were of me being too buddy-buddy with the boys... probably that's why i don't get the kinda attention a girl should get from guys huh? somehow i am not the kinda girl that guys would wanna protect... i can appear so strong and independent, people tend to think that i can fend for myself and need not be protected... haha... well, i think, guys are somewhat scared of me... how so huh? i think they don't see the possiblity of me needing protection... so they need not take care of me... and the fact that i am so freakin' loud, it is somehow, overpower them??? i seriously dunno what's wrong... people just don't see me as someone that needs protection... it's like i always hear from guy friends that so-and-so looks like she needs someone to protect... i guess guys just like girls who just fits into the typical quiet sweet demure girl that looks like she could play every part the damsel in distress... well i guess i simply don't fit the bill huh?

the myriad sides of me has yet to be seen... someday, somewhere, someone would see pass the strong persona and see me the way my Creator see me... the beautiful Princess - the daughter of the King of kings... the child of God... and that's all that he needs to see to love me the way my Lord does... =)

okie... i am needy now!

2005-09-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

i'm sick... and in need of a little pampering right now... the flu bug is going around in school and it has caught up with me... now i am sick, with sore throat, cold, cough, watery eyes, runny nose, aching body and a swollen face... and for some funny reasons, my nails keep breaking... is it because my immune system is low, or do i have some mysterious virus in me that i don't know about...

i am probably thinking too much... with the upgrading construction going around in my neighbourhood... and them drilling the floor of my corridor up, exposing the sand and dirt beneath it... it is not helping me with my healing process... in fact, i think the dust and dirt that is flying around in the air is making me swell in my face, and making my nose even more blocked...

adding to my illness... i've got bruises all over my legs... and i think i sprained my ankle... there is a throbbing dull pain that seems to becoming short sharp pain from time to time... i love dance classes... but the bruises i get... it's painful... it's like ballet classes all over again... bruises... pain... but at least no in grown toe nails all over again because of pointe... and no bleeding toes too... so it's not all that bad.... =)

manage to do my right split... been a long time since i could spilt... but gotta work on my left split cos that's what is needed for my corner-to-corner assessment piece... dance class is rather easy for me cos i've done most of it before... but having lost touch with dance for nearly five years, the body need to start catching up and re-programme all over again...

the body needs time to re-adjust... and i guess sleeping earlier is a good start... so i shall stop complaining and go to sleep... let my body heal... and maybe in the morning, i will be perfectly fine! =)

thanksgivings n tots...

2005-09-11T19:49:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I've last blog... Somehow, the weeks seem so long!

Okay... A few thanksgiving!!!!

1st of all... i must thank God for the successful run of The One-Sided Wall... the whole run has been an emotional journey... and i must say, i've yet to really come out of Theresa completely... part of me still wants to hold on to this character... it is a little hard to let go... but i gotta... gotta let go and play mother and marcie for my next performance - Pan-Island Expressway by local playwright Chong Tze-Chien... a rather political piece... but it is making me think of the political climate of Singapore... why does it appear that the youths of today do not want to have any part of it... are we de-politicalised? are we simply indifferent to it or do we just not care? made me think about this a lot the past few days...

next... i finally went to do the house-visit at my member's home... her mum's down with cancer... but i claim in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that His blood has healed... He is Jehovah Rapha and i know He has healed my member's mum, just that through this period He is teaching the family something... so once they have learned the thing that God wants to teach them and draw the family back to Him, healing will come to aunty... and that her two daughters will learn to love the Lord...

also... i wanna thank God that my girls are growing... quite happy to see them apply the word in their lives... it encorages me that they are growing... (or am i just being delusional?) but i choose to believe that my "daughters" are growing in their walk with our God... but am glad that they are coming regularly and paying attention to God's word during the cell... though they do make my heart break from time to time... it's moments like these that i find it all worthwhile...

Thank God for the study kakis... study sessions are on regularly now... makes me really mug for my theoretical subjects.... these study sessions have allowed me to spend time with my dear friends like Des n Von... feel like i've neglected them for a while... been to caught up with the things and events around me... and have not been able to tae time out and see the things i've neglected... the study sessions have allowed me to spend time being around them and we can catch up when we need a break from the readings... Also, the study sessions have seem to pull the subzone slightly closer... somehow, people who do not normally hang out with us are... the younger ladies in the family are coming to study... and crapping together with us "older people"... haha... a real good feeling...

wanna thank God for the friendships that have been built with my classmates... at least now i don't feel that alone in school... guess being in LASALLE is really different... compared to the uni folks who do not have a specific "class", i do... i guess there are its pros and cons... having a class gives you that sense of belonging... yet, there would definitely be people whom you wish they weren't there... without a class, there is probably less politics... i dunno... but having spent 2 years in LASALLE without having that kind of friendship and feeling rather alone... this academic year has been rather interesting... Thank God for this!!!

last night on the bus, von asked me a question... it set me thinking for most of the remaining of the night...

yes i do feel liberated! i think i probably am finally able to let go and let God in this area of my life le... not mulling over it... not worrying about it... and not thinking too much into everything... the bigger challenge is probably ahead... but for now i think i have let it go... finally see that there is no point in thinking too much over it anyway... nothing much i could do... so i just gotta let God do His thing... work His miracles... haha...

and yes... been thinking about what Mel said the other day on the bus... (i have a lot of meaningful conversations on buses... probably that's why i love taking the bus!) and yeah... i need to reassess my behaviour... haha... need to retain that mystery... i've been too much like an open-book... people can just read me like a book and sorta think they know the ending after the first few pages... was thinking about it and yeah, realise that by doing so i get mis-judged in the earlier stages of a friendship... and this image may not be altered after they know me better... cos the label is there already... i guess, i simply have to let myself not appear so strong all the time... i have to just be a little dependent on others more... to let them feel that i need them too... or else i'll end up the independent woman, who has to carry the weight of the world on her shoulder alone with God, without the support of the family of God around me... cos i don't appear to need it... so yeah... i guess, i do need to really let go of the strong persona i have... and be a little needy... heehee...

another successful show...

2005-08-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

today's performances were draining... as expected... we got a little complacent and screwed up our second performance - the matinee showing... the evening show was better... we were more focused and people were truly impressed by our work... i am happy with what's going on throughout this whole production... the things i am learning and such...

our director, Samantha, was wondering why she has so little notes for me... then she said that it was a good thing... it simply meant that i was doing the things that the director wants and she need not ask for more... there was nothing to correct and there wasn't anything that needs to be improved on... i am glad... these past few years in LASALLE has not been a journey where i've not grown... looking back since my first performance... i have grown a lot indeed... there are things that i can be proud of and give thanks for...

Dale and Daniel came for the show and were all praises... the other lecturers that came tonight were all praises just like the others who came the day before... Dennis, program leader of the B(A) Musical Theatre said that it is the best thing he has since come out of the Theatre Arts students... i guess we've arrived... i am now more than ever that this is the plan and destiny God has for me... i am going to glorify His name through theatre...

one more show to go... show i should get some proper rest... acting can be rather exhausting

it has been some time....

2005-08-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

the last time i blogged was quite some time ago... but guess i've simply been just too busy...

today was the opening night of the run of THE ONE-SIDED WALL... it runs from 25th Aug to 27th Aug... part of the series of plays i would be acting in as part of my graduation...

tonight was a night that saw a few celebs gracing an event that was rather hush-hush... there was no major publicity that went out... but still we had Yu-beng (who would try to be at all our showings as he is afterall our acting lecturer...) who came with his wife, Kheng Hua (the lady who produces dim sum dollies, and hosts the current food show on channel 5 called table for 3...) then we also had Mark Waite...

we had quite a few positive comments which came out from this opening night...

Yu-beng said that it was one of the best graduation shows he has seen in LASALLE.. Kheng Hua seemed rather impressed... Mark said it was the best work to come out of LASALLE in a long time, and that we've all done so well... :) Michael said he really saw the mamouth work put in by all! A very intelligent piece and a story well told! Matt (our "papa" who've seen us since we first stepped into LASALLE) looked very pleased with us too...

i think we've nailed it for this show... now it is to keep it up for the next few shows... there is still 3 more shows for this run...

we've pulled a great show tonight... and will pull off 3 more great shows in the next two days...

right now i am simply exhausted

am just going to rest...

yawnz

Just sleepy...

2005-08-14T19:45:00.000+08:00

Been feeling rather tired lately, dunno why though... Just sleepy most of the time... Is it because I've been treating my body bad and now it is fighting back?

A lot of things are happening lately... There has been quite a few shifts in my life... I dunno why I am quite unaffected by one of the shift... Maybe it is because I have seen it gone on for so long, so it doesn't really surprise me that such a thing might have happened... Still, it is affecting me that I am not affected... Hmmm... *making squigy faces thinking* I dunno...

Then there was the offending words from one of the lecturers in school... Sigh... Anyway, his words pierced and the girls in my class, including myself, were rather affected and upset... But I guess, I should just get over it and move on... Stop mopping over stupid things...

Was suppose to go for band prac last friday... But I decided it wasn't worth my while... I ended up skipping prac and went to hang out with friends... But I need to make it a point to return the freakin' horn by next friday and wash my hands of this band... Another enjoyable thing in my life that has turn to something rather sour... But whatever... I should actually free up my commitments... And focus on my grad shows...

On the 25th - 27th August at 7pm, I will be performing in The One-Sided Wall... It is such an exciting production... Having the best director in Singapore directing us... Having a really cool set... Nice sound design... And cool lighting designs... I think it is simply great... Haha... So excited about it... If you wanna come support me in my artistic endeavours, drop me a note or call me la...

a little complaint... a little decision to make...

2005-08-07T16:43:00.000+08:00

the week had been rather crazy... with so many things that required my attention...

am pretty adament about the fact that i actually have to go back to school for rehearsals on National Day!!!!
suppose to be public holiday... yet i am back in school, rehearsing the first of four graduation shows lined up ahead...
guess this is the life of an actor... who am i to complain right??? *grinz* but rehearsals are going well... two weeks to opening and we are more or less ready to go... i think Sam is such a good director... no wonder she won Best Director of the year last year...

was an extra for the movie 5Cs... it just happened to be that Yu Beng had asked us to go down to the set for lesson that night... and they didn't have enough extras... so i had to stand in... haha... never liked the way i look on camera... guess was simply trying not to look too conscious of the camera and be a good student-actor... haha...

had a msg from mindy about me being arrowed by mr ho for not being at band prac... that's it man... i shall return the horn next practice and there after never return to this band again... i've had enough... i am a student with my own priorities... i have my priorities set right and this band is not on my priority list... it is just a place where i wanna let loose, away from my actual busy life... if they wanna be so pedantic about my commitment level then it's bye bye to this band... i can always find another outlet to let loose... so wadever... i wouldn't be returning to this band after next friday... need to go down to at least return the horn...

the church is going to move to Expo... and service is gonna be on Sunday... and i am prolly gonna be out of a job... haha... but i am not complaining... God will provide... haha... am pretty happy that there is going to be a change in climate... i believe with the move, more people will come to know the Lord... the Lord wanna bring His children home... but, the spatial constraints we currently have aint helping the growth... the move to a bigger and better place would definitely be like the empty vessels that would be filled... amazing things are going to happen... and i am excited... i am grateful... and i know many will be blessed!!!!

Pastor Eugene talked about how Singapore's future is ours to make in God at service yesterday evening... nations represent people and people always have a very special place in the heart of God... this nation has an unreached people group that makes up nearly one third of the population... i know that these people are in the plans of God... our lives and our living is destined by God... and me being borned in a time and place like this is divine... there's no doubt about it... and i am not ashame to boldly and loudly declare that...
"I am a Christian... A child of God... A princess of my King... A God chick..."

Is life an accident or a divine plan?
I believe that it is a divine plan... Nothing in this world is an accident... It happens for a reason....

update...

2005-07-30T19:41:00.000+08:00

been a rather eventful week i suppose... done a lot of things this week i feel...
been rather busy... i think i should ban this work from my vocab right now... been using it too often...
every other entry is about me being busy... guess i probably should re-evaluate the way i live...

having cell on monday is a little weird... haha... somehow, have yet to get accustomed to having cell on mondays...

tuesdays got a little free, but cos i needed the time to catch up on some of my school projects found some breathing space... manage to complete some of my work... but still ended up sleeping my evening away... din even watch CSI...

had to continue rushing out my projects for school on wednesday night... i so did not know that my brother has internet connection on his laptop... had i known earlier... i would certainly have tried to borrow his laptop...

went for dinner at cartel on thursday to discuss some alumni stuff... really hope to see someone raise the alumni winds up from the dead... the seasoned folks shouldn't be the people raising it up from the dead so as to inject new blood... shall wait and see what God's perfect plans for this band of His are... after all He is the Maestro of this band... anyway, think i shouldn't eat cartel with people (dale, pearline & sean) whom i know can eat quite a bit, cos would end up over ordering... anyway, after dinner din feel exactly too well... next thing i knew, i was puking out my dinner... it was either food poisoning, stomach flu or seriously bad case of indigestion... i was feeling so sick, perspiring cold sweat... and finally after drinking down a glass of eno thinking it was indigestion, i had to go to the toilet to puke... argh... hate it, such a waste of money... sigh... until today i still have that naeseous feeling... sigh...

went for band practice at NIE after a long time... (bout 2 years already)... my skills have turned rather rusty... but still am better than those who think they can play but cannot play... a certain mr. cf... irritating guy... sigh... the whole section i was the only person playing... the rest were like playing catch up or following me... if i stop they all stop... gosh and i tot i was pretty lousy... considering the fact that i have forgotten my scales in relation to the concert scales... sigh... anyway, am probably going to commit myself for this concert after all it is the tenth anniversary concert... wouldn't mind playing for this concert and then probably disappear again for a while... haha... been in this band for nearly five years already... and have only performed in less than four concerts... haha... sigh... mindy said i sounded rather snobbish... but i dunno la... teachers vs actors... i think actors would sound slightly high and mighty... haha... but nah... guess its just 2 years of not being in contact and have lost that in tune-ness with each other's vocabulary... guess i shall just have to be more sensitive la...

had my 2nd driving practical today... and i failed it again!!!! this time 50 demerit points... i striked kerb 3 times, strike pole once... sigh... next time la... i will pass... maybe third time lucky and less nervous... well or maybe i am just simply destined to be driven around... haha... but my driving instructor said that i am not that bad a driver... he said i am not sotong... just simply not enough practice... so that's why i am not passing... so hopefully and prayerfully, i will pass the next time around...

oh ya did a blog quiz... think is quite true of me... haha...

You, actually, dont sleep. There are just too many
things for you to do and see! Why spend half
your life lying in bed instead of enjoying
everything life has to offer?! Its not that
you are ridiculously hyper (usually), you just
have a far greater appreciation for life than

most people. Chances are youre very optimistic
and probably a little bit random sometimes, but
people love you for your happiness. Keep
smiling! Make someone's day! ^_^

How do you Sleep? (Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

it's been a long time...

2005-07-27T09:39:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i last update this diary of mine...

over the weekend went to batam for a retreat...

spent about $10 on a traditional massage...
i felt a little more relaxed after the massage...

think it did good for my back...
anyway, had a nice time catching up with nuanyi...
been quite a long time since i've spent an extended amount of time with her...
am feeling glad that she is back...
there are many things that God does that i can't fathom in my puny mind...

the retreat was like eat, sing KTV, chat over supper, sleep...
thank goodness it was only 2D/1N...
or else i would have definitely feel too tai tai...
haha...

am getting so busy in school that i don't have time for day time activities...
and all my la-kopi kakis are starting to stop having night time activites too...
sigh... even if they still went out at night, doubt if i could continue it too with my hectic schedule...
now is a good time to fast from my social life... haha... (aiya just joking doubt i could do it...)

no good to distant myself too much from the community...

gotta go... another busy busy day ahead...

life....

2005-07-10T19:37:00.000+08:00

tired...
zonked...
sleepy...
there are many words to describe my current physical condition now...
but i have no choice...
am at work now... so can't go sleep... or i'll be fired... haha...

anyway... i thank God for my kinda body...
the kind that can take the beatings of the lack of sleep...
the kind that need so little sleep that i can almost fully utilize my day...
haha... if i am running on batteries i would probably have energiser titanium/ lithium batteries in my system...
but i thank God i am running on His strength...
that's probably why i need so little recharge time...
cos as unfair as i can say my schedule is... (which i am not complaining cos i chose this lifestyle...)
God is good... He constantly recharge me as long as i go to Him daily to be recharged...
He is my source of strength...

anyway... if looks could kill... W would have died a horrible death last night...
the blabber that he said... too bad looks cannot kill...
if not he would have felt the pain of all the daggers in his skin...
too bad his skin is too thick...
shan't say anymore bad stuff about him...
but seriously... he should learn to know where the limit points are... if not...
he would probably die a more horrible death outside...
i have been rather nice and cordial already...
i think he not only offended me last night... but many at the table too...
so i guess i am probably not that mean to him after all...

going to the prison tomorrow... will blog about that tomorrow when i come back...

hmm... a little excitment in my week...

2005-07-08T17:15:00.000+08:00

i'm having a pretty exciting week this week, knowing all the major projects that i have coming up... sooo exciting...
we're putting up a play in seven weeks time... this is actually a monologue, but it is now spilt into six different parts and everything is really exciting... haha... can't wait for rehearsals to start after we drop script next friday... the play is called the one-sided wall... argh final year... so everything just excites me... haha... going to the Changi Prison next monday to chat with the wardens to see if we could do a collaborative Community Theatre project with some of the inmates... ooohhhh.... everything is simply exciting... haha...

gonna put up a monologue next friday... taken it out from the bay at nice by david hare... first performance this academic year... hopefully i am ready for it by next tuesday... got the weekend ahead to memorise and interpret it for myself... =)

but this being the first week only, i am already rather exhausted by the activities i have at hand in school... kept dozing of in class... haha... but i think my system would kick into momentum soon and i will regain my hyperactiveness... haha...

had a whole week of harassment calls since saturday evening... some blangadeshi guy kept calling me and texting me... told him not to harass me or i would lodge a police report on wednesday evening, cos i was getting rather irritated by his incessant calling and texting... then last night, thursday night, as i was about to go to sleep, he called me on another number and challenged me to call the police... so at midnight i went to my neighbourhood police centre and finally made that report... it took me an hour and a half just to make that report cos of all the red tape that poor police officer had to go through... but it was a rather hilarious event as when the officer called the number, that guy did not answer the phone, but he called back and irritated the officer so much, the officer told him that should he call again, he is distrupting police hotline and would be charged with harassment of a police officer... haha... guess that scared him off... seriously speaking this foreigner doesn't speak proper English and it was so broken that i guess whenever i showed the messages he sent me to my friends as i related my plight, it was sorta like senseless humour of the day...

well, gotta go... meeting a whole bunch of people to go KTV at 6pm... and it is 5.15pm now... if i don't leave now, i'll be late!!!!

2005-07-04T19:27:00.000+08:00

must say that the past week has been one eventful and blessed week...
the gateway cities youth convention was great!
not only did i get to know more people from different nationalities... i was deeply blessed by all their testimonies and their friendships...
Chika and Lidia are such funny girls... so fun to be around...
Rudi, John, Dimar and Kris are such simple people...
i enjoyed myself thoroughly throughout this whole convention..
bringing them around Singapore was great fun...
and all this started on thursday...

thursday evening...
after work, i went to queenstown area to pick up Pastor Paul Wakary, his wife and his grand-daughter, Mishela, for the dinner at a resturant in Bukit Merah...
a really gentle and warm man Pastor Wakary is...
he just gives off this warm vibe that puts people at ease...
when we reached the restaurant, i joined Mishela, Chika, Lidia, Dimar, Kris, John and Rudi with Melissa, Samuel and Pastor Debra at the table...
we had a round of introduction and sharing...
all the testimonies that these foreign delegates has shared at the table touched my heart...
it made me think about how my service to God can be put to better utilisation...
made me think about my ministry, the ministry God has entrusted to me...
suddenly, everything else seemed so mundane and out of place...
but God created each of us with a different mission on earth...
so i simply have to let go and let God... at the same time do my best in whatever arena God has placed me in...
that night after dinner, the delegates when back to their respective lodgings and mel and i helped out a little clearing up...
and because of Mel's helping out and not wanting to leave me alone, she missed the chance of sending mabel off at the airport...
in the end, we went out the whole night until morning 4am with Dex and Daniel...
went to Changi Village to look at trannies...
must say ah, they can be really quite pretty...
la teh at the Changi food centre...
went to the stretch of road off the airport to see planes land and fly off...
took out the pink straw mat Daniel had in his car boot... (he has quite a lot of pink stuff for a guy...)
felt that we needed some drinks so Daniel went to buy them...
he left saying he'll buy some soft drinks and vodka... but came back with 2 bottles of e33...
the police came and chased us away due to security reasons...
so we went back to Changi village area and went to look at haunted houses...
when into the so called haunted old Changi Hospital...
nothing scary about that, except for the ants that crawled into my pants and started biting me...
cos i lost my voice, when that Daniel tried to scare me by jumping at me i couldn't scream...
then from there we went to feng seng for prata...
of which of course i din eat cos of the condition of my voice...
and we ended the night at about 4am when i reached home i think...

was a little too zonked... cos was falling sick...

friday...
was the first day of convention and i missed the first half of it cos i overslept!!!!
wasn't thinking of sleeping that morning cos i reached home at that kinda hour...
but i took some medication and it zonked me out and so i overslept...
missed the first half of the convention...
reached in time for lunch... haha food always gets me out of bed...
thank God i din miss out too much... cos the indonesians have yet to share and my heart goes out for indonesia...
when they shared it touched my heart...
when we prayed for them i simply just cried...
i din understand why, but tears just flowed...
din cry for the other nations when i prayed but for indo the tears just flowed...

saturday...
woke up late... again...
think the late nights are having its toll on me...
was not that late cos the day's sharing just started...
missed devotion though...
fell asleep when the delegates from China were sharing... they simply went into too much details...
during the finale of the sharing... when the Malaysians prayed for Singapore, i felt so loved that tears just flowed...
brought Rudi and John to Trumpet Praise after we were dismissed...
while the rest made their way to Bugis first...
the amazing thing was when we reached Bugis to join the rest, they just reached...
so guess i am just simply fast... haha...
brought them to eat at the hawker centre behind Bugis Village...
bought Bah Kut Teh, Orh Luah, Char Hei Mee, Cai Tao Kueh (white and black each a plate,) two popiah and BBQ stingray...
it was a spread of everything unhealthy... haha...
but we had fun standing around the table eating buffet style...
everyone else were staring at us, but we din care a hoot about what they thought...
brought them to esplanade and the merlion...
Rudi and John walked with Samuel, Jeff and myself from Bugis... while the rest took the car...
Dex had a minor accident while parking and were delayed... A female driver swerved into his lane and scratched Vincent's car...
but no one was hurt in the process of it all... thank God...
we showed them the sights, and soon it was time to go back to Hope Centre cos it closes at 11.30pm...
Pastor Debra sent Dex, Samuel and Jeff to go collect the car...
while Mel, herself and i took cab with the four guys back to their lodging before they got locked out...
we got back at Hope in under 10 mins and were just in time before the doors locked...
after dropping the guys off, we crossed the road to get to the bus stop so that Mel and i could get home and Pastor Debra could walk home...
just as we got onto the other side, a cyclist suddenly appear and almost knocked Mel and Pastor Debra down...
i pulled Mel back and Mel pushed Pastor Debra out of the way...
it was rather chaotic...
but thank God that the cyclist din knock Pastor Debra into the drain that was so deep...
thank God for His protection...
Dex sorta insisted that he drove all of us home so as we waited for the three guys to come, we reflected and realised that hosting delegates would also result in us facing some kind of spiritual warfare...
the minor accident in the carpark, the near miss with that cyclist...
all spiritual warfare...
it is really amazing what T.E.O. would do to stop God's kingdom from coming...
but praise be to God for keeping us so safe...
almost went to la teh again, but thank God Samuel wanted to go home cos of the enrolment service the next morning...

sunday...
woke up late... again!!!!
second day in a roll... sigh...
reached Bukit View just in time before the bus left... phew... close shave...
tied the girls' hair for them...
checked all of their uniforms...
when we reached Singapore Expo, they all looked so pretty and smart in their uniforms...
during altar call, xinyi's mum came to know the Lord... praise be to God!!!
guess the sermon really speaked to adult and youths alike...
Life is not fair... But God is good... Amen!!!
the rest of the officers brought the girls home... Fiona, Von, Des, Charm Chng and Weiying...
while i went to the indonesian delegates to get them to eat some lunch... but failed terribly cos none of them wanted to eat...
tried to locate Dex's car to get Rudi his bible and stuff but failed terribly too... there were just simply too many cars...
and it din help that he pointed me to the wrong part of the carpark...
went in for the Chinese service...
played with Faith... she always goes "Hello Regina jie jie!" so excitedly whenever she sees me...
after the delegates were let out of the service, we brought them to the zoo...
somehow, for some weird reason, i always get to our destination before those driving... haha...
Pastor Debra, Mel and i took a cab to the zoo and since we reached early, we bought lunch...
despite my sore throat i still ate Zinger... nothing else to eat la...
we had such a fun day at the zoo, that by the end of it we were all sore and tired...
it has been such a long time since i went to the zoo...
the last time i went was probably when i was 12...
Singapore Zoo is simply the best...
my favourite animal, the penguin and the white tigers...
we reached TCT by 5.30pm... a little too early for the convention... so we had dinner...
bought satay bee hoon and char kway teow this time around for them to try... on top of their dinner...
they really like char kway teow... haha...
through this all, i realised that the taste of Singapore can be really quite unhealthy...
but whatever, i simply love the variety my nation has to offer...
went for the closing session... it was fantastic...
shared the Lord's supper with Aaron (malaysian) and Alvin (singaporean)... prayed for each other and broke bread...
quite amazing what God is doing in each of our lives...
Dex went back to get Kris' stuff that was left in Vincent's car...
and having heard Mel and I complain about our heels, he brought slippers for us to change into... how nice of him...
he came back in time for the reception... and in time for us all to go to Hope Centre to say goodbyes and last night with the delegates...
we crapped the whole night away... playing the animal game... talking and laughing...
Lidia is so funny... the way she drilled Dex about what kinda girl he likes, if he has anyone in mind etc is amazing...
but of course she din spare us at all... she drilled Mel, Von and myself too...
den Pastor Debra made a comment that this fillipino guy nicknamed "well done" was considered cute amongst some of the girls...
so John went down to get him to join us and Lidia and Chika grilled him...
it was soooooo funny...
being the social butterfly i simply ignored the fact that i was to be in school the next day...
din leave Hope Centre till 1.30am...
went to collect my things from Dex's car boot and Mel and i needed to change back to our heels and return him his slippers...
was about to change mine when he said no need la i give you... so i went home looking rather silly holding my heels in my hands...
reached home at 2am with my mum asking me if i need not go to school...
had she not woke me up this morning, i would probably be late again this morning...
thank God i am not late for class this morning... was perfectly on time...

guess the bottomline of this whole week was that i had been so blessed to be allowed to be a blessing unto the lives of others... quite a priviledge to be a servant of God... =)

staying out late...

2005-06-30T15:00:00.000+08:00

staying out late isn't anything unusual for me...
but the people whom i was staying out late with last night were special...
why do i say so?
well...
basically they are home-bodies...
the others in the group like Dex and Mel i've stayed out late with them before...
but the home-bodies like Von, Des and Jeff... these are surprises...
and it is special... haha... cos Von and Des prefer to stay home after 12...

it was a night of fun and laughter...
though i couldn't laugh... (every time i laugh, the headache that was plaguing me the whole of last night would throb...)
and the fact that i was losing my beautiful voice didn't help much...
but i had fun...
met Dex and Jeff at 5pm (the rest were all LATE... but nevermind they had their reasons... understandable...)
had dinner at this really homely place at some ulu shopping mall...
the food is really nice though...
i had baked fish... simply delicious...
then there was the really nice lady who made me the honey lemon drink with salt (which i had to pay $4.80 for...)
but it was good... for the rest of the evening i actually had my voice!!!
caught War of the World at 7.15pm...
ate 2 handful of popcorn only... and then had to stop cos my voice was going again...
went to la teh at this kopitiam next to meridian hotel... i really la teh lor... hot one some more...
and once again i couldn't find my voice... (blame it on the popcorn and my lack of self-discipline...)
after tea, went to play pool at K-Pool... (after all i only have a few days of holidays before i am in my final year... so i just hanged out lor... no chance when school reopen liao ma...)
Des is so funny...
Say she dunno how to play, but she like pro like that, just keep putting the balls into the pocket...
Very zai for someone who claims she can't play...
Von also very funny...
Keep saying cannot play cannot play... Also played very well for a first-timer...
Recall the times when my balls fly out of the table... Cue stick down go where... Von is really good for a beginner lor...
These two ladies, really 人不可貌像...
The most terrible thing would probably be the fact that i actually forgot to exchange back my IC!!!
Nevermind, Jeff gonna help me take... (So nice of him...)
That was basically wad i did last night...
It was fun hanging out till the wee hours of the morning with all of them especially Von and Des...

Slept at 3.30am... Woke up for work at 6.30am...
Ten years down the road and my body will scold me for doing such crazy things...
But for now, losing my voice is bad enough... Haha...

It is almost 3pm...
2.47pm to be exact...
Haven't had lunch yet...
Didn't have breakfast either...
Am so hungry...
My throat is still painful...
Dunno what i can actually eat...

God's goodness...

2005-06-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

God is really amazing and faithful...
(Duh statement I know... But ya He is!!!!)
My King never fails to provide me with me needs...
He has time and time again blessed me with abundance...
It is really true...
When we serve Him faithfully, giving Him our spoonful of faithfulness...
He will bless us with His shovelful of blessings...

His Providence

Just a week ago, I was panicking...
I had to pay my school fees last Monday and I don't know where all my money had gone...
At that point of time I was thinking I won't be getting my scholarship this year, cos the letter has yet to come notify me of anything...
I was panicking thinking I won't graduate by 2006... Haha...
So after a bit of fretting and a lot of prayers... (On my own and with support from my Spiritual sisters...)
I went to seek alternatives like paying in installments etc...
On Monday when I went to ask if I could make payment on a later date or pay by installments, I was told that there has been an extension of dateline for fee payment... (I had till that Friday...)
Then I asked about the scholarship and stuff, only to get answers like the board is still pending their decision...
So after bugging my school's Academic Admin...
I went off to wait... And pray some more...
Friday came and I was told to ask about installment plans at the finance department...
I inquired about the installment plan, explaining that I had done so previously...
Then a lady (think she the manager or supervisor) came and asked me if I had applied for the scholarships...
She then took my student pass and went to check her records of awardees...
To my pleasant surprise I had been awarded a scholarship of $1500...
It may not be much, but it is half of my fees already...
This means I had to pay another $780...
I asked about my pay... (Which incidentally have been taking forever to payout...)
It was quite a sum and tomorrow I simply need to pay about $200 to clear my fees for this semester...
I really thank God for His providence...
Time and time again, He showers me with His wonderful blessings...
Time and time again, He shows me that He is so ever faithful to His servants...
Time and time again, He allows me the priviledge to testify of His goodness...
Time and time again, He sees me through each moulding process...
Thank God that He allows me to tap into His power, His deliverance, and His abundance...
Thank God that He only answers our prayers with the best... (Or as Des would say, "the bestest of best"...)

Psalm 145: 16

"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

The Fast

Psalm 25:4

"Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths"

I did it... haha...
I did the fast... haha...
I think I am crazy...
It was not so much about me wanting to know if he is the One...

It was more like I wanted to guard my heart...
I started out the fast telling God to let the feelings fade out if he is not His plans for me...
Right now the feelings have yet to fade, but I guess it is too early to tell...
Anyway, I did it not because I want a relationship out of it...
But because I know that my control over this area needs growing...
In the past, my heart would flutter in an instance if the guy is nice to me...
Now, I thank God for moulding me...
I am having a lot more control over this area now...
At least I can now see that the guy is genuinely nice to everyone not just me...
(something I would have been blinded to in the past...)
After the three days, I am coming out of it more at peace...
I am not anxious to get an answer...
Cos if it comes it comes...
If not then I just have to be patient and seek His plans...
Saw him yesterday, went out as a group...
No funny feelings...
No special feelings...
No awkwardness either...
I am probably not ready for God's answers...
But no longer am I anxious about it...
No longer am I troubled by this issue...
I did not enter the fast with any expectations...
I simply told God that I want to fast to hear His voice clearer in this aspect of my life...
To take out my voice from this aspect from my life...
The fast has taught me something...
Before the fast, I know that it is in God's hands....
After the fast, I still know that it is in God's hands...
The only difference is now I am not holding on to my own minute understanding...
But am now patiently awaiting God's reply...
Because I know that God knows everything I want to say before I even start the first sentence...

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord
Psalm 139:4

Final Thoughts

Simply need to come daily to God to seek His providence in every aspect of our lives...
If we ask, He will definitely open up the treasury in heaven and pour forth His blessings in our lives...
If there is a need, we simply need to call upon God to provide on a daily basis...
Because He is Abba Father, He will provide...
I am a daily testimony to His daily providence...

tired eyes...

2005-06-22T19:06:00.000+08:00

my eyes are soring... facing the computer too much... but what to do... it's part of my job... sigh~!
why am i still blogging then? cos i got nothing better to do... haha...

...

freezing... been freezing since yesterday morning... is there something seriously wrong with me?
or have i been sitting in the office for too long...

...

went to K box with Zhengyuan, Kelvin, Yiting, Charm Cheong, Vincent, this guy they keep calling " 彩紅夏日營 " and Zheng Yuan's female friend... K Box is expensive... But whatever... Haha... I've the lifetime membership with K Box now... So until it winds up business, I can go on wednesday nights for free... Haha... But still I prefer the KTV places I frequent better... Haha...

okie... " 彩紅夏日營 " (let's just call him John... I think that's his name if I am not mistaken...) Gosh... he looks 19... but in actual fact he is 23... i couldn't believe it... and surprisingly we have mutual friends outside church... haha... i always thought that being in theatre, not many would have friends connected to each other... haha... my last impression of this guy was from tabernacle... he was changing the candles on the golden lampstand... and i was thinking to myself who is this "di di"... never see him before ma... so now we are acquainted... and i realised that he is not a "di di"... Haha...

...

stomach is growling... but i shall stick to my fast... i wanna put a stop to my emotions if it is not part of God's plans...
His ways are far greater than mine... so i shall fast and seek His ways and wait for Him to answer me...

...

cannot take it anymore... my hands are freezing... need to go out of this office and breathe in some warm air...

...

got bored and decided to do this quiz which Seah did... haha...

Your dating personality profile:

Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Conservative - You take a conservative stance on most issues and aren't shy about saying so. Your political views are an important component of who you are.

Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Traditional - You aren't looking for someone who is sexually repressed. You want someone who is adventurous under the covers.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Religious
2. Big-Hearted
3. Conservative
4. Athletic
5. Adventurous
6. Practical
7. Traditional
8. Outgoing
9. Romantic
10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Traditional
3. Practical
4. Big-Hearted
5. Adventurous
6. Athletic
7. Conservative
8. Romantic
9. Intellectual
10. Outgoing

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

just being God chick...

2005-06-20T19:02:00.000+08:00

feeling sad and happy... very mixed emotions within me...

~~sigh...~~ it was weird sending them off to missions...
for the past 2 years, i've always been the one being sent off...
this time around i was sending them off... a little weird...
everyone keeps thinking that i am going... haha...
having mixed emotions...
am happy for them that they are going out to serve the nations...
yet sad cos i wanna go back and see the little children...
had to give instructions to bring toys to these little kids...
wondering if mel remembers... she has so many things to remember already...

was a little upset over the comments of me helping with the check-in...
made me felt like i was doing too much... ~~sigh...~~ whatever...
its just in me to help... so they can say whatever they want...
i shall continue to serve God's people whenever i can...
be it with little things like checking in...
or washing the toys clean so that i can give it to the little kids...
(the toys were sooooo WHITE and nice smelling...)
or simply doing errands or admin stuff...
i find joy doing it... and it serves God's purpose for that moment (i think)...
so i am just gonna toss out ~~negative comments~~...
and just continue as i am...
love me or hate me... i dont really care...
all i care is taking care of the people God has placed around me...

said Happy Father's Day to my dad... a little awkward...
it had been a long time since i said these three words to him...
guess the last time was when i was in primary school...
really had to swallow my pride and just say it...
but i guess he felt loved by me... cos he was a little paiseh...
he simply said thanks and hung up... haha...
my dad aint the mushy mushy kinda guy...

there are a gazillion and one things to do this week...
went to give tuition today in the morning and then go to school for work...
meeting Zhengyuan and co for KTV session later in the evening...
(think i am going KTV a little too much...)
gotta go to the airport and fetch some austrialians on tues...
meeting Des and Charm on tues for a girls out session... (isssit still on???)
going to the airport again to fetch some international student on wed...
meeting Mag to simply catch up with her on wednesday for dinner...
having cell group this thursday... (which reminds me i haven't prepare the word...)
need to take friday off to get the uniforms for the GB girls and settle some stuff...
and then go for GB parade...
working for Vpact on sat... meeting NY that evening... (i think...)
working at office on sun...

gosh when will i finish packing my room?!?!?!

oh ya... please keep me in prayer... need to pay school fees by 24th...
dunno where all my money went... (guess my pay haven't come in...)
so got no moolah to pay my fees...
pray that i get my scholarship from school... they are still pending...
thanks...

The Lord is my Banner...

2005-06-16T18:59:00.000+08:00

Was quite upset today by my aunt's comments... All that she said about me... About the teachings of the church... About me not caring about my family... About me helping out in church... About me not knowing my family... All so unfounded and untrue... But I am still upset about it... Felt so accused... It was like there she is not seeing the full picture and with her warped perspective of what she sees she chides me... And worst she said I was like my mum... Running a way from the problem... Getting annoyed by her comments... I mean who won't? Throwing baseless accusations... So what if she is frustrated with my mum? That gives her no right to scold me for the things she think I didn't see... And me not wanting to offend her, cause I know I might say something rude back just kept quiet, and because of that she got even angrier at me and hung up the phone on me... It was so stressful talking to her that I simply just cried and cried... This is the first time in a very long time I felt so persecuted...

What she doesn't see, she accuses me of not doing... She doesn't realise that I am not helping out at the shop because I am working outside... She doesn't see the hardwork I am putting in to lighten my parents' financial load... She doesn't know the fact that I have opted out of missions this year because I wanted to obey my parents and show them that I care about them too... And the worst is she doesn't know why I didn't visit my brother in hospital... I didn't go home from camp the night when I receive the news because I didn't want my parents to worry and because my brother told me not to worry my parents... She didn't see how worried I was for my brother that I cried throughout worship and whenever I found myself alone... She didn't know how concern I was for my brother, fearing that he might commit suicide because he is depressed... Argh.... I simply felt so accused...

Wanted to call Mel... But she didn't answer her phone... Called Des and cried... Think I just simply burdened her with my problems... But I needed to cry... She had to go for her piano lesson... So left it hanging... Sigh... But later she sent me a sweet sms... Thanks Des... And thanks Jeff for the prayer...

Somehow nothing can be further from the truth... When there God's plans are working out perfectly... TEO will try to come and make you question if what you are doing is right... I know that my girls need me... And that there are greater works that will be brought to fruition... And because these things have yet to come to pass, TEO will come and try to steer you away from the goal... Listen up TEO... I will not falter... You may wanna come and try to put me down, but I will not let you... You are not bigger than MY GOD! So forget it... Get lost... I will rise up and stand strong... There may be times I wanna cry and I will cry... But after those tears are shed, I will come back even stronger... So it is war... And I know the heavenly angels will win... Cause My Lord is my Redeemer, Savious, Rock, Banner and Righteousness... He will bring the victory and the harvest will be harvested...

Before I started surfing the net, I went to the Lord in prayer... And after that I am at peace... I know that my Lord is good and His mercies endures forever... So I shall continue to pray and persevere on for my family's salvation... The Lord has dispelled all my fears and dried up my tears...

Ended up surfing the net and did some silly blogging quiz... Haha... Guess the internet is not that bad afterall... At least it took my mind off things and I had a good laugh... How true is this I dunno though...

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few.

What kind of blogger are you?

Busy busy me...

2005-06-15T18:49:00.000+08:00

Okie... Been a while since I last blogged I guess... Haha... Am so busy of late... First it was my birthday party... Then there was the GB camp (which I would love to elaborate on...) Then work is like busy busy now... Haha... My colleague was just saying how amazed he is at me being able to juggle so many things... And that I look so busy, and the fact that I am actually busy... Haha... Do I?

Well... Must say that I am very glad to have been part of the GB camp... Though I was probably off my tangent throughout the camp... Could have done away with me screaming at the girls... Was rather out of control the first two days... Finally mellowed down on the second evening... Was looking back and reflecting why on earth I was so mad at these girls... I have came to a conclusion... There is a major stress management area in my life I need to seriously grow in... The stress of the camp, logistics, girls not responding, girls giving you that papaya face, my brother being in hospital with suspected gastric cancer... Guess the last item freaked me out and push me over the edge...

But through the camp, I have learnt to focus on just making the girls are okay... I mean, I literally fought back tears to get things prepared... I was basically okay, until the orienteering when I just lost my strong countenance and just broke down... Guess the girls were probably wondering how come this ma'am so weird one... One moment she is screaming her head off and the other she is crying like mad... But I seriously couldn't be bothered how the girls saw me... Think it is also part of God's plan that I actually showed my vulnerable side to some of the GB girls... Afterall, I am not that strong... They were probably too puzzled to wonder why I was crying... But who wouldn't cry knowing that your brother is in the hospital, having just puked blood, and the doctor diagnosed that it might be gastric cancer and it might result in a stroke... I just got so frightened at the thought that I might lose my brother that I just cried and cried... I went back to Daniel Hall to get my stuff.. But was too distraught to go back to the campsite and do mass tin cooking with the girls... So I asked Melissa for permission to stay for the opening ceremony of Tabernacle...

At the opening ceremony, I simply just kept crying... Throughout worship, I would sing the songs and end up crying... Pastor William came over and prayed over me... This was probably the only time I have every cried so much... I stopped only when Pastor William started speaking... The only break I got from crying was probably when Pastor William and Pastor Debra spoke... Then when Pastor William gave the first altar call to receive healing, I went down for my brother's sake... I cried and cried... Told Pastor Debra about what happened... Then went back feeling alot better... Then there was the second altar call for the leaders... I went down again... Cried again... Got slained by the Holy Spirit and bumped my head on the floor... Felt a whole lot better... Then went back to my seat, cried abit more... Got slain again this time along the aisle... And as usual, my hair got stepped by someone... And I was in a totally awkward position... But I felt the Holy Spirit doing His work... So was finally at peace by the end of the service...

After the service, found myself having to go back to the campsite alone... So decided that I shall look for a ride from the BB boys' bus... Went to ask Jeff if I could... Then he did the thing I never thought he would... Haha... He offered to walk me back instead... Haha... Along the way, was telling him that he should show this nice side of him more often... To which he replied... "Not everyone should see my nice side... If not got alot of rumours... " I guess it is quite true... But I feel that if one is sincere and genuine when treating people, there should be no rumours... And even if there is any, it is simply because people know this person would probably be unaffected by it all...

On Saturday we had kayaking for the GB girls... If not for the GB girls, I doubt Von and Fiona would enter the waters with the risk of probable capsize... But anyway I think Von and Fiona love the girls and care for them enough to put aside their fears and go kayaking with them... I was basically quite pissed at the instructor who did not teach the girls how to use their oars... So the girls all end up all over the sea... Haha... I had to undertake the task of teaching some of the girls to use the oar... Sigh... Got darker... And tired... Being water confident (despite being unable to swim)... I was guiding the girls who felt sick back to the shore half way through the session... Then I rowed back all the way to join the rest... Totally exhausted myself by the end of it... I guess, I am not that bad... Am actually quite sporty... Can kayak, roller blade, ice-skate, cycle... Haha... And I have better stamina than the younger girls.. Haha... Always thought I was leading a rather unhealthy life... Haha...

Went for tabernacle that evening... Brought the girls into the Tabernacle... Surprised by their reactions... Found Mag, Charmaine and Annabel outside at the Outer Courts... They knelt at every "station" for a long time... Prayed for them when the Holy Spirit prompted.. They all cried and looked really burdened... Asked them to share when they came out... But they were quite mum about it... Prayed for them and Charmaine and Magdalene cried... Mag was crying so hard.. It made me wanna cry with her too...

After I send Mag to the carpark to meet her dad... Went back to the GB girls.. Was told drill competition was in a few minutes time and I was to change into my boots... We marched, and the officer contingent won... But of course... We had to teach these girls... So somehow, we had to be at our best... My coy lost to the other coy and the girls were quite disappointed... It was like written all over their faces, after the results were announced... But still I am very very proud of these beautiful girls... They didn't complain throughout the camp... They may be a little nua nua but when they get really motivated, they can be really realy zai... These girls are indeed stars... They have the potential to burn so brightly... They just need the right motivation...

After drill comp, I changed out of my boots and wanted to go do my solitude... But prior to that, Jeff stopped me and asked me and Weicong to help him decipher the vision he saw while in the Tabernacle... It was burning too much of my brain juice... Haha... Then we started talking... And I didn't do my solitude until 3am... As I walked along the beach, singing worship to God... God showed me a verse, which at this moment I simply can't recall... Haha... At about 3.30am I entered the Tabernacle alone... And fell asleep at each stop... Fell asleep at the brazen altar, bronze lever, golden lampstand and altar of incense... I wanted to seek God to heal my brother and ask Him what His plans are for me, but I simply couldn't do it... I only lasted a few minutes and fell right into sleep for about 20 minutes at each stop... Gosh... I felt soooo bad... Then I finally moved to the Holy of Holies, before the Ark of Covenant... And I slept till 7.30am... I think this Tabernacle experience, the Lord wanted me to rest in Him... Cos I was so energised by the time I woke up... I have been too busy for the Lord... I like my time of solitude, must do it more often... Heehee...

During the closing message for the GB camp, Melissa told the story of the prodigal son... To which, the GB girls responded and 4 more girls responded to accept the Father's love in their lives... Amen... Now most of the GB girls in sec 1 have indicated that they are open, with the exception of probably the muslim girl... But I know God has a plan for each girl and it is unique... All the officers' task is to love them and show them GOd's love... I must say, this camp brought me to see the girls in a different light... Totally changed my view of them... No longer are they the nua nua lembeh lembeh girls... They are now strong and shining stars...

That afternoon, we had lunch at Roland's restaurant... And we sat with Pastor William... Gosh... So scary... Haha... But we had fun... Heehee... Then Von had to go point out that I am sitting directly across to someone on the next table... Tsk tsk... Didnt even notice lor... Haha... But anyway I was more interested in Faith... Was playing with her throughout the bus ride from ECP to Roland... Then when she finished her lunch, was playing with her again... Haha... Guess when it comes to kids vs guys... Kids always gain my attention more... Was totally exhausted by the end of the closing ceremony of Tabernacle... There was no long word, but there was a great time of worship... Which by the end of it, I over exerted my ligaments and muscles... Had a sharp pain at the back of my right knee and pain at my right ankle... Ended up limping... And the guys were like "Regina what happened to you?" Chen An or was it Samuel who commented that "3 days of roughing out at camp and when I worship I injure myself..." Somehow I think people are used to the fact that this would always happen... Haha... But was so tired, that I forgot about the ice-box!!!!! Until the next morning when I was brushing my teeth did I realised my folly... Panicked... Called everyone I could to help... Then Dellia told me to check Roland restuarant to see if it was there... Thank God it was and I went to claim it back that evening after work... How blur I can be... Haahaa...

Helped with missions packing yesterday... It was alot of work for many of them... Packing, loading, distributing... I had the relaxing job of purchasing stuff... Not exactly that relaxed, as I had to make sure that the other two were on schedule with me... And having a person who tries to stretch my time limit is really stressful... He happens to be able to be not punctual for practically everything he does... Sigh... He needs to grow in the area of not trying to juggle too many balls at the same time if not able to... He like to multi-task to disastrous results... Bottomline... Men just simply can't seem to multi-task... Probably over generalising, but seriously speaking, I have yet to see a man multi-task... They simply aint wired that way... Well at least he isn't wired that way...

That Jeff... Was just thinking I should really treat him nicer, when he decides he shall tease me about a certain someone... So learning to ignore him for now with regards to the teasing... I simply dont get it... Everyone else has stopped... But he is always half a beat late... Sigh... But seriously speaking, I am beginning to see the better side of him... The more gentlemanly side... No longer the boy-boy side...

Was reading through my friend's blogs... And did this personality test... Think it describes me quite well... Dunno about the balanced part... But how much can an online test be true I really dunno... You be the judge...

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Reading the book Daniel gave me... God Chicks... Really speaking to me... Haha... Books nowadays are speaking to me more than they were before... Is it the maturity that is coming with age? I dunno... But am definitely getting more books that I am able to apply to my life better...

This is getting too long... Better stop liao...